The Most Bittersweet Gift
by DarkeStar
Summary: Really sweet 1X2 deathfic, I'm sorry, I know that they're depressing, but they're also really nice, touching our hearts. Please read and give feedback, very muchly appreciated and received with enthusiasm. Enjoy. And it's Yaoi, if you hadn't guessed.
1. The Most Bittersweet Gift 01

NOTE FROM AUTHOR:: I would really, really, really like some feedback on this, to know whether or not the readers think it's worth continuing. Also, please let me know if you think i did a great job and likewise, in a polite way, tell me what you think could be improved, if anything. Thank you.  
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THE MOST BITTERSWEET GIFT  
  
A black clad figure stood before an ordinary door to a small ordinary apartment debating on whether he should knock or not. Behind him a long braid of chestnut trailed down his back, slightly frayed ends brushing the back of his thighs. Lifting a pale hand he knocked softly on the door before he lost his nerve. From inside issued some shuffling, a grumble, then the door opened. His breath caught. Heero had not changed much since the three years ago the fighting and pain finally ended. What once was a wiry but strong boy had transformed into a muscular and toned man, hair still unruly moss-like green, almost a dark brown, and cobalt eyes as deep and blue as the ocean. There were still the traces of the boy Duo had once known, remnants of a perfect soldier, but cool indifference had been replaced by a warm life.  
  
"Duo?" Heero asked, voice deeper, not as cold or harsh as it once had been.  
  
"Hai. How are you?" Duo asked softly.  
  
"I'm fine. It's...a surprise to see you so unexpectedly. Come in, you look about to faint."  
  
Duo shuffled inside the moderate apartment, noting how it was decorated tastefully and simple, but the very simplicity screamed money. Sitting on a warm beige couch Duo looked up, as Heero stood behind a chair adjacent to Duo. "Would you like some coffee or something?" Heero asked.  
  
The violet eyes infused with life at the mention of coffee, then dimmed. "Oh...I better not. Um...water's fine, or juice if you have it. I'm not particular." Heero nodded and went into the creamed coffee colored kitchen. Duo looked around; noting the absence of personal touches or pictures only a few knickknacks along a shelf and books in the oak shelves lining the far wall. A small glass was handed to him filled with orange juice, which Duo sipped gratefully, wetting his parched throat. "Wife?" he inquired.  
  
"No," Heero answered. "And no girlfriend, only an ex-wife long gone. What about you?"  
  
"A few failed relationships, nothing that amounted to anything. It didn't work out with Relena I take it?"  
  
"You told me it wouldn't."  
  
"Yeah, well, my prediction came from the jilted lover's stand. I'm sorry it didn't work in the end."  
  
Taking the seat Heero had only moments ago been leaning against he shrugged. "You were right though. She lives in a perfect little world as the perfect little girl and she wanted the perfect little husband who would stand as a perfect little symbol of peace. I was flawed, the illusion shattered, and she couldn't handle it. I left after six months; the annulment went through a month later. We still talk."  
  
"Oh...this place is nice."  
  
"Thank you, but you didn't come here to inquire about my love life or to remark on my home. What did you come for?"  
  
"I wanted to see you, talk to you. How's your job?"  
  
"I started my own business, private investigations. It's doing well."  
  
"I'm not keeping you from something, am I?" Duo asked, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, uncharacteristically concerned.  
  
"No, not really," Heero answered truthfully, "I can reschedule."  
  
"Well, I won't keep you any longer then, I'd hate to think I messed something up for you. It's a Sunday night, I figured you wouldn't be working, my mistake, I'm sorry. I'll leave you to your business." Duo stood up.  
  
"Wait, why did you stop by?"  
  
"Oh..." Duo sat back down. "I just wanted to see everyone who meant something to me one last time. You're doing well, I'm glad. I'll be on my way." Duo stood again and Heero followed suit, wrapping a hand around Duo's wrist.  
  
"Hold on a minute. First of all, you're not interrupting anything, so please stay a little longer. And second of all, what do you mean one last time?"  
  
Startled amethyst eyes blinked. "Oh, it's just, after this visit you probably won't see me again. All the others know so I figured one of them would have said something to you by now. You don't know?"  
  
"Know what?"  
  
"Oh Christ, I can't believe someone hasn't...well, not like it matters now. I'm dying, the doctor's don't understand why..." Duo trailed off.  
  
Heero had frozen up and slowly began to resurface from the shock of the casual statement. "Er...dying?"  
  
Duo nodded, brushing bangs a bit too long from his eyes, gave an indifferent shrug. "Yeah. They aren't sure how long I have, a month, a couple at most. The doctors think it might have something to do with that plague that struck L2 all those years ago."  
  
"But that was so long ago..."  
  
"Yeah, I know, that's what I said. The doctor thinks it mutated or some such, I'm not sure if I believe that or not. I went to the doctor for the flu and this is what they find."  
  
"How are you handling it?" Heero asked softly, coming to sit next to Duo on the couch.  
  
"I'm surviving, I always do. I've told the others, like I said, and all in all the response was what I expected. Wufei took it well, Trowa too, I regret having told Quatre but he would have felt bad if I hadn't."  
  
"Where will you go once you leave here?" Heero asked, placing a hand on Duo's arm. Duo allowed the touch but did not acknowledge it. Instead he scratched his chin, which Heero realized for the first time had the faintest hints of razor stubble.  
  
"No where. Maybe get a hotel room for the night, or just get on a random flight and sleep there, get off wherever the plane takes me, see where I go from there. I have no purpose really."  
  
"Then you'll stay here. Besides, it's been far too long and I think you need a break. Don't argue, do you have a bag?"  
  
"Well, yeah, in the car, but..." Duo couldn't get out anymore of what he would have said for Heero stood up and dragged Duo up with him, fished around in the jean pockets for keys, then moved Duo back down to sit as he disappeared to get the bag from the car. "...I don't want to be a bother," Duo finished, talking to the air. Heero came back in, closing the door, and carrying a small duffel bag. "This all you have?" he asked curiously. Duo nodded.  
  
"You're still not trying to argue with me are you?" Heero asked, dropping the bag in the previously unoccupied chair. Duo shook his head, knowing it useless to argue. A couple days, he vowed to himself, a couple days and after that he would leave. "Good, because if you think I'm going to let you come in here and deliver that shock to me, then you're mistaken. We have a lot of talking to do, and besides...I've missed your companionship."  
  
A small smile quirked Duo's mouth then grew until it became a grin. Heero closed the short distance between them and held Duo's face in his hands gently, studying the face, noting the lines that hadn't been there only 3 years earlier, the weariness, the dark circles under the eyes. "Is that all you've missed?" Duo asked softly.  
  
Heero shook his head slowly, "Oh no, that's not all I've missed," he breathed.  
  
"Does you're having me stay include my sharing your bed?" Duo asked in the same soft voice, yet this time serious, cool.  
  
Heero was surprised by the frankness of the question, and it took him a minute to realize that Duo wasn't asking if that was what would happen, but if that's what Heero wanted to happen, or felt would happen, or expected to happen. It seemed ludicrous to ask that, but then Heero understood what had led Duo to ask that before all was said and done. It was Heero's fault, him having broken a trust between the two with no explanation, even now roughly three years after the fact no reason had been given as to his actions. He had left Duo when all seemed to be going well between them, and all Duo had asked for was that Heero at least admit that he cared on some level for Duo. Heero had panicked and left the very next morning, early, and gone to Relena, leaving Duo to find out where he had gone when Heero's and Relena's marriage was announced on the news. This was the first time he had seen Duo since the night he had disappeared.  
  
"I do have a guest bedroom," Heero stated, releasing his too intimate hold on the boy's face, backing away and grabbing the bag. With a nod to follow Heero led Duo back to the guest bedroom.  
  
  
"This is pretty good," Duo remarked, tapping the fork lightly against the plate. What was on the plate was a dinner of lightly breaded and baked chicken, hot bread, and seasoned potatoes. It was a much better meal than Duo had in the months of his traveling from place to place.  
  
"Thank you," Hero said, watching Duo eat. "You look like you don't eat enough as it is. Tell me, what did you do after the war?"  
  
Duo took a sip of his water. "At first nothing..." Duo paused, thinking, or perhaps making a very subtle point about what he would have been doing after the war if he had not been abandoned the second week into peace. "Then I did some work with the scrap metal left from the war. After that odd jobs here and there up until a year ago, then Quatre asked if I wanted to visit him for a while. I stayed there for a short time, that's when I found out, after Quatre forced me to go to the doctor when I showed no signs of getting over the flu after a couple weeks. Once I left there, not wanting to burden Quatre and Trowa," Duo smiled sadly. "I traveled, ran into Wufei who was on business in the same city I happened to be in just for the night, and after that sort of meandered pointlessly from place to place, returning to this city to see my doctor."  
  
"Your doctor is in this city?"  
  
Duo gave a nod, laughing wryly. "If you hadn't noticed the big hospital about 35 minutes from here, where there are sorts of specialists, that's where Quatre's doctor sent me. My last visit was when Wufei suggest I track you down and break the news to you, just to be polite, he doesn't know what happened between us. He gave me this address if I was interested. I decided to come, just to...I had to see you one last time...I guess. Not like I owe it to you or anything."  
  
Heero nodded slightly. Duo plowed ahead, as if he couldn't bear the silence. "Ironic in my opinion. But I've enjoyed traveling, sort of a last present to myself I guess, a luxury I might not have allowed myself otherwise. The earth is so beautiful; kind of hard to enjoy that sort of thing when you're fighting for your life, blowing things up, but now... I've seen so many strange and quaint things. In one of those places that never seem touched by time I met this old woman that taught me how to read palms. That was an experience." Duo paused to take a sip of his water, the remains of his meal forgotten. "Personally I think it's a fun pastime, but nothing to take too seriously."  
  
Duo bit his bottom lip shyly and looked up through his lashes at Heero. "I could, if you're interested, read your palm. It's kind of fun; Wufei let me do it, he thought it was amusing. Or at least, I think that's what he thought, you know how Wufei is sometimes."  
  
Shrugging Heero gave a nod. "I don't see why not." Duo smiled and moved over to the chair next to Heero, took the hand and uncurled it from its loose fist that had been resting on the table. To Heero Duo's hand holding his felt delicate and smaller, thinner, cooler than his own. The skin was still soft and pale, though, unlike Heero's hands, which were roughened, tanned, and warm.  
  
Duo studied the hand curiously, then without looking up, chestnut bangs hiding his eyes from view, began to speak softly. He traced the long line circling around his thumb, began to speak. "This is the life line, and it's long and clearly marked, showing that you'll have a normal, healthy life and live to a reasonable age. See how it's very clearly etched and steady, almost a straight line at the very top near your thumb...well, this shows that your early life was ordered and that you weren't sick, and that there were very little changes during this time..."  
  
Heero interrupted, chuckling under his breath. "But you knew that Duo."  
  
The briefest smile quirked Duo's lips, "I know, let me work. Hmm...right here there's a break, and that's...oh, you're about...early twenties. There's a break here, indicating an accident or serious illness or a sudden change. The little lines that cross over the line represent worry. But it begins again, deep, and you recover from it, changed by the incident above. Look here, this line is called the head line, and the way it connects in the beginning to the life line shows that you have a strong sense of body over mind and have a careful outlook, especially in childhood. Almost fearful even. The fact that it's deep and straight shows that you have an excellent memory and that you are very smart and realistic. It breaks here just before it goes off in small chains and this small circle that's called an island, on the line, and that shows that there is some mental stress that changes you. But you recover, because it starts up again, just as strong, but curving a little downward, showing a creative aspect coming in."  
  
Duo quieted, touching small lines here and there, a smile sometimes quirking his lips. He frowned slightly and touched a line above the line he had designated as the head line. "This is the heart line. It shows emotional attitudes. Apparently this cross here, about the twenty year mark, shows some sort of loss, followed very briefly a small island, depression. Here, at the very beginning of the line, which starts here under the middle finger instead of the index finger shows that you are restricted in love. These little chains right in here show tensions."  
  
Duo once again fell silent, studying the lines. Without explaining what it meant completely Duo traced a light wavering short line beneath the pinky. "Marriage line. It's the only one, so presumably it shows you're marriage to Relena. You're marriage was rocky, without any real love, you almost had an affair with someone but the marriage ended before that could happen. Someone very special comes into your life sometime after that but nothing results from it, although there is something there..." Duo trailed off and Heero pulled his hand away slowly, heart pounding.  
  
"What's yours say? Can I see?" Heero asked.  
  
Duo shook his head, "It's not interesting, I'm tired. Do you mind if I go to bed early, or do you want help with the dishes?"  
  
Heero shook his head. "No, go ahead, take a shower and get some much-needed sleep, I'll take care of the dishes."  
  
With a nod Duo stood and walked out of the room.  
  
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~Journal Entry 1~  
I've had this little journal for roughly a year now, ever since I first found out about...well...you know, THAT. Why did I start writing now? Who the hell knows certainly not me? Maybe because I have no other way of getting my feelings out. What are my feelings? Well...I'm scared. No, I'm terrified. Another thing, I find it hard to believe where I am. Where am I? Heero's guest bedroom. I finally gathered my courage enough to come tell him, and he wont' let me leave. Not that I would be complaining normally, but I can only take so much pain. I want peace before I finally, well, you know. In a way, secretly I'm glad. I don't want to face, well, you know, THAT; I don't want to face IT alone. Heero's strong, Heero's brave. If I stay with him maybe I'll become strong and brave and not afraid of facing...IT. And tonight, I looked at his palm. I was playing around, I don't really believe in that stuff, but...from what I could tell, I'm sure going to miss being gone in a couple years when Heero changes, becomes the person I had always felt was in there. Ironic, that I would be right and not be there to see it. Just like it's ironic that I broke through Heero's cold mask and to the boy underneath it all, giving him 'permission' to feel, and he goes to Relena directly afterwards. For all the efforts I never even received the beauty beneath that. I don't want to think about it, I have to wash my hair, and I need sleep. I'll probably never write in this again, so...I have to go now.   
Duo Maxwell  
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	2. The Most Bittersweet Gift 02

Alright, this is the 2nd part, please let me know what you think. I can't think of any warnings to add here, uh, the characters aren't mine, thought i should finally add a disclaimer. It may be a while in coming before the next part. Enjoy.  
  
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Duo lifted the coffee cup to his lips, breathing in the strong, savory smell of fresh brewed coffee beans, feeling the heat of it warm his always-cold hands. Breathing out slowly his breath broke the still surface and it rippled, and then settled as he tipped the cup up. A small sip and Duo lowered it, eyes closed, letting the warmth envelope him in a way forgotten so long ago it seemed, only to feel the cup taken from his hands. His eyes flew open to see Heero, dressed in jeans and a dark red shirt holding the cup.   
  
"I called Wufei last night and he said that the doctor advised against coffee, teas, and cutting down on sodas," Heero stated, drawing the cup close to him. "So thank you for the coffee." Heero went to lift the cup to his lips and Duo gave a protesting mewl. "What?" Heero asked, lowering the cup. "Can I not drink after you? Is it contagious?"  
  
Duo shook his head with a frown. "No, I'm not contagious in the least. You couldn't catch what I have even if you tried. It's just, that's my coffee."  
  
"And you shouldn't have it, it's bad for you, Wufei said so. He's glad that you're staying here, I might add, since someone can watch and make sure you take proper care of yourself. Don't argue with me, did you sleep, you look tired? And did you even look at your hair in the mirror this morning?"  
  
With a sigh Duo shook his head again and ran his hands back along his braid. "I slept, and I didn't feel like rebraiding it again, so I left it the way it was when I woke up. Its not like I'm going out anywhere am I?" Heero shook his head and lifted the cup to his mouth, drinking the cooled liquid. Duo sighed and took a cup from the cabinet, pulled the orange juice from the refrigerator and poured himself a glass. Heero nodded in approval. "Don't you work?" Duo asked curiously.  
  
It was not a comforting smile that graced Heero's lips. "I would, but since I have others in the business, I can afford to take several weeks off for vacation time. Don't look so upset, will my presence really be so much of a bother?"  
  
Placing his hands on the counter behind him and making a move as if to hoist himself onto the counter top Duo shook his head, only to feel Heero's hands on his waist and lifting him, steadying him. "I'm not invalid."  
  
"I know," Heero stated, taking another drink of the coffee. "By the way, Quatre wants to come visit. The message came from Trowa, since Quatre went into a packing frenzy the moment he heard where you were. Rather interesting to hear in the background as I spoke with Trowa. I told them to give you at least a week's time to adjust, and Trowa didn't seem to happy about that, probably because it was upsetting to Quatre, but agreed."  
  
"What will we be doing then?" Duo asked.  
  
"I don't know. Do you want to go somewhere, or have you been coming to this city long enough to have seen everything of interest?"  
  
Duo shook his head again. "I come to this city to see my doctor, I leave, I don't linger. What's in this city to see?"  
  
"Museums, parks, zoos..."  
Duo cut in, "Are there any nightclubs, malls, movies, sport events..."  
"...Plays, restaurants, there's a beach about two hours west..."  
"...Amusement parks..."  
"...Art exhibits..."  
  
Laughter cut off their running commentary and Heero watched as Duo calmed down from his outburst. Wiping his eyes he gave a little shake of his head and shrugged. "We have quite the list there. I don't really care where we go, if we go anywhere at all."  
  
"Then let me rebraid your hair and then we'll go somewhere."  
  
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~Journal Entry 2~  
I guess I was wrong, I am writing in this damned thing again, but that's what I get for saying I wouldn't write anymore, it must be a subconscious thing. It's just...I don't know...I certainly didn't expect this when I came back to say goodbye to Heero. He won't let me go, and he seems interested in who I am, or at least he seems to want to spend some time with me before I go. Maybe it's because I can make him smile, maybe it's because he feels guilty somehow, who knows what it is. The question is why am I staying? Again with the damn maybes -maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe it's because Heero's laughter is like the ringing of thousands of heavenly bells or because when I smile his eyes light up or maybe I just crave the attention I never had been given directly after the conclusion of the war. I don't know what it is, I don't think I care, I think I'm losing my mind.  
  
Today Heero took me to the park where there was this lake and we sat in the grass beneath a tree, lounging in the shade, and just sitting there quiet, peaceful. After that he got me ice-cream, and he even got some, which if my memory serves me is a very rare thing for him to do. Then something possessed me and I leaned in and licked ice cream from his cheek. The look on his face was worth the curious stares, in my opinion, and Heero didn't seem to care, but then again, it seems I may be losing my knack to read him as he shows more emotion than I remember. It was painful though, to be so close to him again and yet not be close to him. He's broken me apart once, mind, body, spirit, and I'm not fancying a second round any time soon. I'll only stay a couple days, or at least that's what I keep telling myself, and I intend to stick to that thought even if I never keep it. The truth is, I miss companionship. I miss being around another human being that shares something with me; I miss being connected with a person, knowing that we share something, even if it's just a pain-filled and war-ridden past. I'm tired, but it's a good tired, one that comes from a day filled with activity, not the tired that comes with being sick.  
  
Tomorrow I'll take it easy though, just so I don't get sick prematurely. The others don't think that I take good enough care of myself, but I don't think they realize how attuned to my body's needs I am. If they did they would know they didn't need to bug me. Well, I'm sure I'll get back to you later, its kind of refreshing putting down these sorts of thoughts. Better then them running around in my mind creating havoc and bringing chaos.  
Duo Maxwell  
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~Journal Entry 3~  
I've realized that I'm not dating these things just as I was looking back through them, and I've decided it doesn't matter to me if they're dated. Besides, if in a hundred years from now someone finds this and wonders about the date, it's three years after the war that took place between the colonies and earth, approximately. And if by the time I'm dust and ash and back to earth there's been more than one war, well, it's the first. That's all you need to know.  
  
Several days have passed since I last jotted down my thoughts, and I guess I've needed that long to sort through all that's happened. The second day I did take it easy. A movie, and then we came back here and did whatever. Heero still has that damnable laptop, but I don't care anymore, he hasn't touched it once that I know since I've been here. Quatre has finally convinced Trowa that they should come visit, will probably be here in a couple days. The two already have the rooms booked, Quatre told me.   
  
The third day is why I'm having trouble with things. It was a pleasant day in all respects, just lounged about the apartment, and then it happened. No, not that IT, the other it. The 'it' of us sitting on the couch watching some made for TV movie and Heero leaning in and kissing me. I couldn't react, I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything. Then it was over, the commercial had ended, and I didn't say anything, he didn't say anything. Not one word. I'm definitely losing my mind on this one.  
  
Well, anyway, Heero's waiting for me to get ready. He promised to take me out tonight to a nice restaurant and that's where we're headed.   
Duo Maxwell  
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"Hey Heero, did Quatre and Trowa happen to mention when they'd be coming in?" Duo called from the kitchen where he had escaped to get something cool to drink, which didn't explain why he was pouring himself a cup of coffee.  
  
"They said they would stop by before seven and they have the address. You're not allowed to have coffee, put it back," Heero answered from the living room, where he was reading a newspaper. "Damn," Duo muttered, glancing over his shoulder at the closed door. There was no way Heero could have known. Just a lucky guess. Duo lifted the pot again to fill the cup at least halfway. "No coffee," Heero called out, "Put it back."  
  
Putting the pot back on the machine Duo scowled, opened the refrigerator and took out a fruit juice bottle that Heero had picked up the day before. "Uncanny." Duo popped the top off of his drink and settled a small little blue pill on his tongue and took a drink before coming back in the living room where Heero was patiently reading the paper. He took only a second away to make sure Duo was drinking something appropriate, then went back to his reading.  
  
"How do you do that?"  
  
"I know how you're mind works, baka. Use a coaster if you're going to set that on my table." Duo lifted the drink and placed it on a coaster. Heero was doing it again.  
  
"You're having nightmares," Heero commented casually, flipping the page of the newspaper amongst the rustling. Duo looked up from his crossword surprised, then over at Heero. "How...how did you know that?"  
  
"I often go to bed a bit after you, so I've heard you tossing and turning at night. I know what the signs of a nightmare are. You don't have to talk about them; I would never make you tell me. Just...just know that if you need something you know where to find me. Alright?"  
  
"Okay." It was silent, then Duo glanced over again, "Hee-chan..."  
  
"Yes Duo."  
  
"91 across. Sodium, there's a blank, then in parenthesis the words 'Truth serum'."  
  
Heero's thought a moment then went back to his newspaper. "Sodium Pentothal."  
  
  
There was a slight knock on the door and before Heero could stand Duo was up in a flurry of limbs and hair, throwing open the door. He launched himself at the small blonde and to the blonde's credit he only took one stumbling step back. Quatre gave a small laugh and patted Duo on the back.  
  
"Hey, Q-man, it's great to see you again. Tro..." Duo transferred himself from Quatre's arms to Trowa's, who was forced to support the bubbling body of energy. Trowa smiled at both Duo's burst of warmth and at Quatre's giggles. When Trowa's eyes settled on Heero they darkened and the smile faltered.  
  
"Trowa," Heero greeted smoothly, knowing instantly that the pair knew what had happened between him and Duo some odd three years ago. He stood the rest of the way and took a step away from the couch, arms folded loosely against his chest, not defensive, just...casual. "Quatre."  
  
Duo pulled back and leaned against the wall, grinning. "It's great to see you, but you didn't have to come all the way out here."  
  
"That's all right, I had business here anyway," Quatre assured, then looked at Heero. Heero gave a brief nod. Duo clapped his hands together, "Okay, well, I'll just put my stuff up and be right back." Duo moved over to the couch and picked up the crossword, started off down the hall. "Duo." The American looked back at Heero who was holding out his pen. Duo took it, eyes twinkling, disappearing down the hall.  
  
"We're at a tentative peace," Heero stated, picking up one of the pillows on the couch and rearranging it, patting, smoothing, fluffing. "Please close the door."  
  
Trowa pushed shut the door behind him as Duo barreled down the hallway. "Calm down Duo," Quatre said, shaking his head in defeat.  
  
"I feel great, Q, don't nit-pick. So, how long are you going to be here for, what'cha going to do?"   
  
"Just a couple days, but I wanted to make sure you were alright. It's been months since I've heard from you and I worry."  
  
"Sorry about that," Duo apologized sincerely, sinking down in a chair and gesturing to the couch, off of which Heero had moved to answer the phone in his usual silent fashion. They placed themselves near the chair that Duo had appropriated.  
  
"That's alright. You look healthy, not as thin or pale, which is a wonderfully reassuring sight, but are you eating right?"  
  
Duo nodded enthusiastically as Heero returned to the room. Quatre fixed Heero with a stern, reproving expression, who had come to a halt next to duo's chair. "And you're making sure he doesn't overdo anything. You know he can't have coffee..."  
  
Heero interrupted, counting things off on his fingers as he said them, eyes never wavering from Quatre's face. "No coffee, limit sodas and tea. Cut back on sugar, decrease greasy food intake, decrease salt intake, sunscreen for long amounts of time exposed to the sun, and make sure he gets a decent amount of vitamin C. Sleep regular hours; eat nutritious meals at least twice a day. No alcohol or cigarettes, not that I recall the last one being a problem."  
  
Quatre nodded mutely surprised, but on reflection it made sense that Heero would make sure to have all the facts and make sure that things were how they were supposed to be. That didn't mean anything. Duo leaned back, crossing blue jean clad legs, arms pressed flat to the armrests.  
  
"I called Wufei," Heero explained after a moment.  
  
"Enough of that," Duo said with a wave of his hand. "Let's talk, catch up, grab some dinner."  
  
Quatre nodded. "Right now?" Duo nodded as well, stood, "You busy?" "No, that sounds good. Let's go. You coming?" Quatre asked Heero.  
  
Heero shook his head. "I have things to do." Duo nodded slightly and accepted the jacket Heero handed him, knowing he would probably need it in a restaurant. Duo linked arms with Quatre and left whispering feverishly with the Arabian boy. Heero leaned against the back of the chair, propping his head in his hands, elbows sinking into the plush material.  
  
With a sigh Heero picked up the phone and called Relena back.  
  
  
With a yawn Duo rolled over, tucking the pillow under his chin. The clock next to the bed screamed the early hour in intrusive glowing red numbers and Duo sighed again. He couldn't remember the dream, or aptly nightmare, and now he couldn't fall back asleep. He knew buried deep in his bag there was the orange little bottle of salvation, sleeping pills, but taking them was admitting something was wrong. Just like taking the pain pills for every little ache and pain served as a constant reminder. Duo didn't consider himself a survivor for nothing.  
  
Sitting up Duo pulled his hair away from his face and glanced one more time at the clock. 3:17 a.m. Without aware of coming to the decision Duo stood up and made his way silently out of the room, bare feet sinking into the carpet. Stopping in front of Heero's door he opened it silently, slipped into the dark room, closed the door. Heero had said if ever... The figure remained sleeping peacefully, seemingly unaware of Duo's approach. Placing a knee on the bed to move forward and nudge the other's shoulder the bed gave out under the position. The only thing that kept Duo from sprawling face-first on the waterbed was most of his weight resting on the frame instead of the mattress. Heero's eyes opened.   
  
"I had a nightmare, can I stay in here with you?" Duo whispered, feeling foolish.  
  
"How old are you now?" Heero mumbled, nevertheless edging toward the right side of the bed to make room and throwing the covers back. "I cuddle," Heero warned sleepily.  
  
"I remember," Duo said, crawling slowly and carefully along the waterbed. Heero took in the sight of the American; hair loose and cascading down around his shoulders, dressed only in boxers and a T-shirt, and felt a pang of regret and sadness. Settling next to Heero Duo felt the heat coming from Heero's body the moment the sheets came down, locking it in with them, and Duo suddenly realized how cold he had been before.   
  
Heero slid in next to Duo, closing the space between them, then opened his eyes, "You're freezing."  
  
"Am I?"  
  
Heero in answer pulled Duo against him, savoring the familiar feel of the silken hair that covered him, and breathed in the sweet scent he had found only Duo had. "Go to sleep," he breathed in Duo's ear.  
  
Duo nodded, wrapping his arm around Heero's, which was wound about Duo's waist most naturally. He felt secure; secure enough to sleep a dreamless sleep.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
~Journal Entry 4~  
Once again I found the cure for dream-induced insomnia, Heero's arms. Even during the war being curled up with someone I saw as I saw him, whatever that might have been, my blood-filled, war riddled dreams were eased and I slept, innocent to the pain of the demons of the night. The only difference now is the war is internal and the demons that haunt are my fears, not my guilt. I'm dying, and I can finally admit this to myself, in my heart. Before my mind understood, but that didn't make it true for me, it was almost a game. It's true now, because by saying such I have to accept it.   
  
The demons that haunt me now are just that. Hellfire and brimstone, demons and devils, death. Am I going to hell? Innocence was lost to me so long ago I fear what will come once my end has truly reached me. I dress like a priest, wear a cross, and whisper my deepest sins to God in hopes of forgiveness, yet I call myself Shinigami.  
  
What hope for me, a lost street rat? What hope for me, one who has lived the life I have lived, loved the love I have loved? There is sin, black, deep in my heat, heartache deeper still. My heartache the source of my transgression, that very transgression the reason for my heartache.  
  
I need to ask for forgiveness, it's been so long, and I owe it to Solo, and Sister Helen, and Father Maxwell...But if nothing else, I need it for my own peace of mind.   
Duo Maxwell  
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	3. The Most Bittersweet Gift 03

NOTES:: as always, feedback, and I don't think there is too much to warn you about in this part, so enjoy.  
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The Most Bittersweet Gift p.3  
  
"Heero," Duo whispered, not wanting to break into the young man's concentration as he typed a report of some sort on the small personal computer that was tucked away in a corner of the cozy bedroom. Heero didn't bother to look up at Duo who had crept in silently and settled himself at the edge of Heero's made bed.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Do...Do you know of any churches around here?"  
  
Heero's fingers faltered, and then he turned to look at Duo questioningly. "A church?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Near here?"  
  
"It's not like you to repeat everything as if you don't understand it. It makes you sound flaky."  
  
"A church, near here? Well...I think there's one just before you reach the park, you know the one I'm talking about, right?"  
  
"Er...the park over near...um..."  
  
"I'll take you, when do you want to go?"  
  
"Now, that's why I'd just like to know where. I don't want to inconvenience you, and you're obviously busy." Heero shook his head and stood, motioning for Duo to go on ahead of him. "Heero, it's no big deal, really," Duo protested to no avail.  
  
"I'll go without you," Heero threatened, jingling his car keys. "And that   
won't be any fun."  
  
Duo sighed and allowed Heero to drive him, secretly pleased that he didn't have to do so, for he had been feeling drained for several days. It bothered him. Heero parked and followed at a distance behind Duo, who began his slow, even walk to the simplistic yet ornate doors that led into the small building, and once inside the air changed. There was the rich smell of candle wax, the slightly stale and sour odor of sweat from those who spent time within the sweltering chambers and those who were fevered with worship. The smell of old, dry paper tickled Duo's nose as he walked slowly along the aisle, between the few well built wooden pews on either side, hand lightly tracing the roughened and beaten wood.  
  
Heero had chosen a perfect place, whether he realized it or not. It wasn't one of the modern churches which served to offend him more for the reason it seemed to insult the Maxwell Church memories, it was older and more real. There was peace within these four men-built walls. Stopping at the even line where the front pews ended Duo looked up at the cross, his fingers wrapping around the gold one resting over his heart, and felt that peace fill him.  
  
A priest stirred from somewhere in the back and came around to the front; obviously startled that someone would visit during the off time it was. No services to be held, no functions, a bright and sunshiny day, leave worship and confessing for a day when the kids won't enjoy the beach more. Practical choice, Duo thought, and was glad to be alone. The priest came no closer.  
  
Continuing forward Duo lit one candle in front of the cross, considering the flickering flame momentarily before slowly lighting another, a third, and finally a fourth, then dropping down to one knee and watching the flames dance, silently praying the prayers that one would not expect of a desperate and dying man.  
  
At last he rose to his feet and brushed the pants off, lit one last candle for himself, made the sign of the cross, though it had been so long since he had done it that it felt awkward, then looked back to Heero. Heero didn't need to ask; he could see it in Duo's face. Whatever it was the American had been seeking he obviously found and was ready to leave. Heero was glad Duo had allowed him to accompany him without argument.  
  
Taking the offered hand Heero smiled and allowed Duo to lead him out into the sunshine. "I'd like to take a nap," Duo remarked softly, rubbing his eyes, leaning back in the seat. Heero bit his lip with worry and nodded. This did not go unnoticed by Duo.  
  
"And I can finish my report up," Heero stated, watching Duo out of the corner of his eye.   
  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
~Journal Entry 5~  
Peace. It's such an interesting word, and it has so many definitions, dictionary cited as well as personal ones. I actually looked it up.  
  
Peace (n) --> calm; repose; freedom from disturbance, war, or hostilities. -able (a) --> in a state of peace; disposed to peace; not quarrelsome. -ably (adv). -ableness (n). -ful (a) --> free from war, tumult, or commotion; mild; undisturbed. -fully (adv). -fulness (n). -maker (n) --> one who makes peace.  
  
Anyway, where I was going with that before I decided to write that here just to laugh at myself about. I found peace today. That's pretty much it. Heero took me to this small church and a couple minutes of silent prayer brought me an answer I had been looking for my entire life. It's okay. I don't know if I've been forgiven, and I don't know what's going to happen to me, I'm sure those fears will return once this tranquility passes, for I know it will, but for now, I'm happy.   
  
I'm also starting to feel the full effects of what's happening to me. I had to take a nap today. For some reason, although I slept wonderfully, more deeply than I have in...well...in three years, I was exhausted by lunch. Heero's worried for me though, so I can't do that too often. I'm determined to be myself up to the very end. No need for the others to worry anymore than they have to. My only regret will be after I do go, I won't be here to smile and cheer them up and make them feel better. I know that it will hurt them to see me go, which is why I've been traveling. It may hurt to know they didn't see me my last few days, but the pain will be ever worse if they have to see me wasting away before their eyes, see the pain and fear in my eyes, and knowing they can't do anything about it.  
  
I don't want to bring them that sort of pain, hasn't the war been enough? I must say however despite the war's harsh reality, it wasn't all that bad of an experience. Who would have thought the sweet blossoms of love and friendship could come from the thorns of war?  
  
But I'm glad that I'm being forced to stay. I don't think I could handle some of this alone. I have a doctor's appointment in a couple days, and since Quatre and Trowa have to leave the morning of it, Heero 'volunteered', and of course his idea of volunteering isn't the same as mine, but it works, but he 'volunteered' to take me. Not only do I have to listen to my doctor worry over me not taking care of myself, now I'll have to face the worry of Heero knowing. He's bound to find out it's more serious than I've been letting on.  
  
But if he's worrying, that means he cares for me on some basic, primal level right?  
Duo Maxwell  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
"Duo, I'm glad that you've finally brought along someone else. Sometimes I feel as if what I say goes in one ear and out the other with you, young man. Please come in and sit down. This will be very brief, just a simple update on your tests and to see how you're doing, if you need anything. You look quite familiar," the doctor's eyes fixed onto Heero curiously. He seemed a kindly middle-aged man with graying hair and wire-rimmed glasses perched on his nose. Although he wasn't the traditional example of overweight he was portly, but his twinkling hazel eyes made up for this.  
  
Heero didn't bother to comment on that as Duo led him in, somewhat nervously Heero was surprised to see, and placed them on a deep brown loveseat, the color of chocolate. The results that the doctor had mentioned were from tests that Duo had undertaken a day before finding himself on Heero's doorstep.  
  
Heero frowned at Duo, who was sitting practically thrown back against the small couch, obviously very familiar with the office and this particular piece of furniture. Heero on the other hand was sitting at the edge, not necessarily stiffly but soundly.  
  
The doctor held out his hand to Heero with a smile. "Dr. Wright," he introduced in a voice that rumbled from somewhere down deep in his chest.  
  
"Heero Yuy."  
  
"Heero Yuy? Even the name sounds familiar... Doesn't matter." Dr. Wright pulled up a chair across from them and opened a thick file. He looked up at Duo with a small frown. "You look better than you have in months, but judging from your tests this change occurred only recently. I suppose you're the reason behind this?" Wright glanced at Heero.  
  
Heero gave a brief inclination of his head. "Make sure he keeps at it, whatever you have him doing." Another acknowledging inclination and Dr. Wright nodded in response, gaze falling back on Duo, frown returning. "I would like to run some more tests, so maybe you can come back in a couple days."  
  
Duo's expressionless face dropped and he frowned. "More tests?"  
  
"Yes, to see what improvements have been made. The last test shows you're lacking in calcium and iron, so I'll prescribe some supplements. Since this will be a very short meeting, I won't take too much time. How are you feeling?"  
  
"I don't want anymore tests," Duo told Wright softly, leaning forward so he could rest his elbows on his knees wearily.  
  
"It's for your own good."  
  
"But it's not, not really. You yourself said I only have a few months at best. There's nothing we can do about changing the fact that I am dying, but I would like to die in peace. Is that really too much to ask?"  
  
Dr. Wright shook his head, thinking. "No, it's not." His expression, although still kindly, almost grandfatherly, became stern. "But if you weren't looking much healthier I would demand the tests."  
  
Duo nodded.  
  
"I would like to have blood work done regularly, if nothing else, to keep my eye on how everything's moving. You look like you've had sun recently, which is good for you, and fresh air. Don't overdo anything though. I don't want to see you in the hospital again because you collapse. Are you sleeping naturally or are you taking the sleeping pills?"  
  
Duo tensed slightly. "I'm sleeping fine."  
  
"And what about pain-killers? Is the dosage high enough, have they been effective?"  
  
Duo sensed Heero's questioning eyes settle on him and refused to look anywhere but the carpet directly behind Dr. Wright's shoulder. "Everything's fine," Duo assured softly, in what he hoped was a convincing manner as well as one that said EVERYTHING was fine, no need to ask anything else.  
  
"Do you need a refill on the Wellbutrin?"  
  
Duo shook his head.  
  
"Then I think everything is set. Here's these," Dr. Wright scribbled out the two prescriptions he said he would be giving, then handed them to Heero who held his hand out. Dr. Wright smiled. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Heero Yuy, although you don't say much, do you?"  
  
"Hn."  
  
Duo stood, pulling the jacket tighter around his body. "Well, I guess we best be going." Duo moved toward the door, followed by Heero.  
  
Heero remained mum about the visit far longer than Duo had anticipated, as they were roughly five minutes into the silent car ride when Heero spoke. "Wellbutrin?"  
  
Duo nudged the glove compartment with his knee. "Yeah," he muttered.  
  
"Why are you on antidepressants?"  
  
"I don't know," he mumbled. "Maybe because dying is kinda depressing."  
  
"How long have you been taking them?"  
  
Duo sneaked a glance at Heero out of the corner of his eye. The Japanese man seemed calm, hands resting on the wheel lightly, looking over at Duo every so often, simply curious and a bit concerned. Duo gave a small shrug. "Couple years actually."  
  
That got Heero's attention. "But you didn't find out until about a year ago...when did you start taking them and why?"  
  
Duo gave another little shrug. "I was feeling down, I dunno. I told you when, a couple years ago. They helped me pull my life together after the war."  
  
Heero nodded. "And how long have you been having trouble sleeping?"  
  
"After the war, but the sleeping pills are a new thing. And the painkillers, well, I think that's pretty obvious why I might have those, although I don't use them all that often."  
  
"What about that collapse he mentioned?" Heero asked.  
  
Duo rubbed his eyes. "I just...it was right about after I found out. I didn't want to believe it, didn't want to have to live if each day meant I was going to die. I wore myself out, didn't eat right, and didn't sleep enough drank caffeine to stay awake. One day it was too much and I just collapsed. I was in the hospital for three weeks recovering, so don't worry, I've learnt my lesson."  
  
Another nod from Heero, and to Duo's surprise he dropped the subject altogether. "Do you want to get some lunch?" Duo gave a ghost of a smile. "Sure."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
~Journal Entry 6~  
The doctor appointment was a disaster. I should have known. I shouldn't have let Heero come with me; I should have made sure certain things didn't come up. But how could I have stopped Heero from coming? Heero is a synonym for stubborn. When Heero wants something, Heero gets it. But, sigh of relief, it wasn't a total disaster. Heero questioned me about my medication, but dropped it after a certain point. He didn't press and I didn't have to admit that I was put on antidepressants a month after Heero and Relena married, just so that I could function. How do I explain hundreds of sleepless nights, filled with nightmares and insecurities, after he left me? Am I really that needy?  
  
But I'm glad I don't have to have any more tests. I would have snapped if they prodded or poked or stabbed or jabbed or pinched or done anything else to me one more time. I'll do the blood work, it doesn't bother me, you're in, you're out, and that's it. I understand why, but I can't stand being under that close of inspection all the time. That's why I always fled as soon as the tests were done to far reaches of the world, where while I was sometimes a phone call away I wasn't just around the corner. But now I'm here and I'm here to stay.  
  
I should probably try and get some sleep. I'm tired, and I heard Heero set the alarm system, which means he's going to head to bed. Strange, I can't sleep nights but I find myself growing increasingly exhausted during the day. I fight it, but it haunts me like a shadow. I think Heero's noticed. He doesn't say anything but the concern and worry is there. I don't know why I'm fighting this every step of the way, especially the nights. Ever since that one night when I crawled into Heero's bed like a frightened child and curled up in the warmth and security he has always given me I have done it every night. But I refuse to just admit that I need this by trying in vain to sleep in the guest bedroom, until waking up in the late night or early morning hours and find myself moving to his bed, to his arms, to peace. He accepts this and hasn't once questioned me doing this. I do wonder though when I'll swallow my pride and just start the night where I know I'll end it.  
  
Quatre will be returning in a day or so, to wrap up some deal (although I honestly think he's just finding excuses to check up on me. I know he doesn't like to leave his home too often). When he comes we're going to all head to the beach. Quatre has slowly forgiven Heero for everything that happened, mainly because of the way Heero and I interact now.  
  
I should sleep now. I can barely keep my eyes open, but as soon as my head touches the pillow I'll be wide-awake.  
Duo Maxwell  
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	4. The Most Bittersweet Gift 04

NOTES:: Definitely Yaoi, some kissing, not much more, so can't really classify it as lime. Feedback not only appreciated but is the bane of the author's existence, keep that in mind. Enjoy  
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The Most Bittersweet Gift part 4  
  
"I had forgotten there was this much sand on the beach," Duo growled, kicking off his sandals and brushing his feet off before sitting on the blanket Heero had packed, it being more sensible than a towel. Heero smirked and set down the small basket of stuff that he and Duo had thought necessary in his own right. Quatre laughed and settled across from Duo, a picnic basket in front of him.  
  
"There's going to be sand in the food," Duo said mournfully, eyeing the basket. Trowa smirked and Heero's mouth quirked upward, nearing toward a grin. "Complain, complain, complain, that's all you ever do," Heero teased, ruffling Duo's bangs. The other pilots seemed surprised by the unHeero-like action and the lightness in the words. Duo just looked back with a grin, shielding his eyes from the sun. Heero took off his sunglasses and put them over the violet eyes.   
  
"Gee, thanks Heero," Duo said, patting the blanket next to him. Heero sat, looking out over the blue-green water, the sunlight reflecting off of it and making it shimmer. Despite the sun and the heat Duo had brought with him a sheet, which now rested over his lap. He wore shorts like everyone else, and a T-shirt that he planned to keep on the entire time.   
  
Quatre opened the basket; "I doubt there will be any sand in anything, Duo. We've only been here for 5 minutes, at the very most. Now, we can eat right away and wait about half an hour before doing anything or we can have some fun first then eat."  
  
"Fun," Duo sighed, looking out at the waves. "I want to build a sandcastle. Will you help me build a sandcastle, Quatre?"  
  
With a nod the blonde stood and held a hand out to Duo, who accepted it and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. Duo rummaged around in the basket to come up the stuff he had packed just for this and followed the Arabian to a patch of sand that had gone unmolested and was both in the shade and close enough to the ocean to make a proper sandcastle. Trowa stayed behind, watching the two played together like little kids.  
  
"Quatre has forgiven you, seeing as how you make Duo happy."  
  
"But you haven't," Heero stated, leaning back against the blanket, supporting himself by his elbows. The sun felt good against his skin.  
  
"No, not like Quatre. I do believe you're sincere in this emotion you show towards him now, I just worry as to what this emotion is." Trowa stopped, but he was by far not done. With a little sigh he brushed back his hair a moment, then let it fall naturally into place. "You hurt him when you left."  
  
"I know."  
  
"No, I don't think you do know. If you knew, you wouldn't have left, because you would have known. He understood why you left, what you were afraid of. You don't give him enough credit. It wounded him, but by no means did it break him."  
  
Heero remained silent then gave a slight nod. Trowa glanced over, then back to the sandcastle, which looked about to topple over. It did and the two builders just laughed and tried again. "Give him the time he has left, even if you don't care. Just give him two weeks of your time, and you're heart. After that, well, you're free to do whatever you wish."  
  
"Two weeks?" Heero looked over sharply. "Is he going somewhere? He has at least a month left, subtract the time already spent, he has something near three weeks, and besides that that's at the least. The way he's going he'll have the entire two months."  
  
Trowa shook his head. "Apparently he no longer follows his motto, 'I run, I hide, but I never lie'. Quatre called the doctor, just to check up, since that's the only way he had of getting any news on Duo when Duo was out on his adventure quest around the world. The doctor says that Duo has two weeks to go, probably less, and Duo knows it, has known it for quite a while. He wanted more tests to see if there was a last ditch effort to help him, but Duo didn't want the tests, so no one wants to push it. It's his life, it's his death."  
  
A cold hard fear crushed Heero's chest and he fought to breathe. Two weeks? Why hadn't Duo told him? But Duo had told him; in the way he let Heero come closer and closer still to a heart that had once been broken. He wanted to love, to know love, but was afraid of Heero's reaction, afraid of losing something that meant more to him than almost anything else, so close to the end.  
  
Just then Duo skipped over and pulled Heero to his feet with surprising strength. "Come on, come in the water with me." Heero allowed himself to be led to the water's edge, then into the cool lapping water, smiling.  
  
  
"Had fun," Duo murmured sleepily against Heero's shoulder. Heero was carrying the American into the house, him having been asleep not but a minute ago, and paused only long enough to close the door and reset the alarm, then hoisted Duo higher in his arms. Duo wrapped his arms around Heero's neck and closed his eyes, breathing evenly in and out, yet clearly not asleep so soon.  
  
"You need to shower," Heero murmured into the hair, which smelled of sea salt and sand and the air of the ocean.  
  
Duo yawned sleepily and tightened his grip all the more, causing Heero to smile in the darkness. Stopping in front of the door to his bedroom Heero nudged it open and came to the bathroom door and set Duo down on his feet. Duo swayed, and then forced himself to stand without help, yawning again. Heero stepped around the American and into the bathroom, turned the shower on and adjusted the temperature. "You shower," Heero told Duo, lifting Duo's face up to look into the cloudy amethyst eyes. "And then you can go to bed."  
  
With a nod Duo turned and shuffled into the bathroom, pulling his T-shirt over his head. Heero could see in the dim light the bathroom's one light caused that despite the sunscreen and keeping the T-shirt on a good deal of the time Duo still managed to get a slight sunburn.  
  
Duo tugged the band from his hair and ran his fingers through it, sending it in waves to his knees. With a deep breath Heero turned away and called back. "I'm just pop in the other shower real quick. I figured you would want to use mine because of the detachable sprayer. Make washing your hair easier."  
  
There was a response that was drowned out by the water's thundering and Heero left. Going into the room Duo inhabited Heero searched through the bag and pulled out a pair of boxers for the American, studied the orange bottle with a frown, then his eyes caught sight of the small white bottle that was for the antidepressants. Closing the bag Heero stood and did as he had said he would do. When Duo emerged from the shower it was amid a cloud of steam and an unsteady, shuffling step. Taking the American by the arms Heero supported the insubstantial weight of the young man and Duo looked up with a sleepy smile, not bothering to take any of the weight back onto him. Tilting his head forward Heero caught the others mouth in a kiss, slow and tentative, yet lacking the willpower to stop it or have resisted the temptation that the lips had represented. Nipping lightly at the bottom lip with his teeth the mouth opened in an invitation, which Heero accepted by nudging the lips even farther apart to deepen the kiss.  
  
"Heero," Duo whispered softly.  
  
Heero pulled back doubtfully, stuttering the beginnings of an apology, when Duo interrupted with a sluggish muttering, "I'm tired, Hee-chan. Sleep sounds great right about now." Heero nodded dumbly to have Duo curl up against him. Lifting the form into his arms Heero placed the American on the bed into a sitting position and moved towards the bathroom, picking up the discarded clothes along the way. "You have a sunburn, however slight, so tomorrow I'll put something on it."  
  
"Kay, Hee-chan." Heero smiled slightly, moving to take the towel, which had been slipping from Duo's grasp as he dried his hair and slowly ran the towel through the wet strands instead. Duo had found the boxers and pulled them on. Pushing the towel away Duo yawned and made to stand. "I don't care about the hair right now, it's too late, I'm too out of it. I'll deal with it tomorrow morning when I actually will care."   
Heero pushed Duo back down and Duo looked up at him curiously. "I'm staying here?" "Might as well, you'll only curl up with me sometime during the night, right? Save yourself the trouble." Duo studied Heero with wide, alert, piercing eyes then gave the slightest of nods and crawled precariously along the waterbed to curl up in a spot already familiar to him.  
  
"Go to sleep, I'll brush your hair out for you. It will save you the trouble tomorrow and relax you at the same time. So settle down on your stomach," Heero said softly, watching as Duo turned and did as asked, drawing the pillow up and closing his eyes.  
  
The trust nearly broke Heero's heart. Picking up the familiar brush he had brought with him Heero scooted up to sit at the edge of the bed and lifted the heavy masses of hair from Duo's shoulders and smoothed it down his back, before beginning the gentle and pleasurable chore of brushing through the long, silky strands. Duo purred softly under his breath, for that was the only way to describe the noise the ex-gundam pilot was currently making, and it caused Heero to smile softly. Within no time the young man had been lulled into a deep sleep and Heero braided the hair, as he had been shown so long ago on a rainy night, remembering the feel of the hair between his fingers then and now, the sensation never dulling, the wonder never ceasing. So beautiful. Curling up next to the other, pulling Duo into his arms, Heero wrapped the end of the braid around his hand and drifted into a dreamless sleep.  
  
  
"I hadn't realized I had been sunburned so badly," Duo remarked, glancing down at his skin. Heero snorted softly from behind Duo, "You've had worse." Duo nodded, "I know, it's just for so long I've been avoiding the sun and everything so it's a little strange to see my skin pink after so long it being pale. I thought you promised to put something on it for me."  
  
Heero looked up from where he was finishing the end of the braid again from where it had become unraveled during the night and gave a nod. "Yes, I did, and yes, I will, just give me a moment."  
  
Duo nodded, and after that moment was up Heero did rise from the bed and motion Duo to follow him, leading into his bathroom. Opening the small mirror/cabinet Heero withdrew a small tube of something that boasted relief for sunburns and slowly began to rub it into the skin on Duo's shoulders, before traveling down.   
  
Watching in the mirror as Heero's familiar hands ran an even more familiar trail Duo let his eyes close and he melted into the sensation, refusing to look beyond the moment, the feel, the hands against his back, still callused yet softer. Then came the unexpected touch.  
  
Head tilted back Duo held his braid up curled like a snake at the top of his head, and at the nape of the neck the American felt the feather light kiss, the brush of air against sunburned skin, then another feather light kiss farther down the column of the throat. Taking in a shuddering breath Duo tilted his head back farther, inviting the next kiss that placed itself behind the ear, then the tongue darted out tentatively and dabbed at the same spot.  
  
"Duo," Heero breathed.  
  
"Mmm..." Duo felt Heero's hands run lightly up his back, then stop at the shoulders and rub in soothing circular patterns as the mouth settled on the throat, moved to the underside of the throat, kissed briefly over the place where Heero could feel each uneven breath, the snake-like movement of the throat muscles as Duo swallowed, the vibration of the vocal chords.  
  
Pulling the American around Heero searched the heart-shaped face for some clue as to how to continue, found only the moistened parted lips, the dark lashes resting against flushed cheeks, the jagged bangs resting against the warm forehead. Bringing his mouth down he kissed lightly the other's mouth and nudged the lips apart with a curious tongue. Tasting the same sweet, hot mouth he had so many times before wrenched a low moan from Heero's throat and he gathered the willing body against his, hands sliding down the back lightly, mindful of the sunburn as he deepened the kiss.  
  
The braid came down and brushed against his roaming hands as Duo wrapped his arms loosely around Heero's neck, giving the Japanese man his entire weight to support. As his hands came to rest on the curve of Duo's buttocks Duo let out a soft moan into Heero's mouth and pulled back, panting, and rested his cheek against Heero's chest, head tucked under the chin. "Hee-chan," Duo breathed, absently fiddling with the buttons on Heero's shirt.  
  
Heero lifted the other's face up for another kiss and he slowly began to unravel the braid, fingers running through the hair, separating and parting it into waves of chestnut that reached his knees. When Heero pulled the American into his arms fully, lifting him off of his feet and into the air Duo made no protest as he placed his hands on Heero's shoulders to keep his balance. Another kiss found them moving toward the bed, then the bed shifted and rolled beneath the two bodies as they settled against the sheets, Heero's hands exploring the planes of Duo's chest.  
With unsteady hands Duo pulled Heero's shirt over his head, breaking their kiss, and dropped it idly onto the floor, movements sluggish. "Are you sure?" Heero whispered as Duo's hands brushed over the newly developed muscles along Heero's abdomen; rock hard beneath skin of silk.  
  
"You talk to much." Heero's laugh was smothered by the American's mouth.  



	5. The Most Bittersweet Gift 05

NOTES:: This part is kind of dark, because of the death stuff and all. There might be some language, but I don't think it's in this part. Let me know what you think. Read.  
  
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The Most Bittersweet Gift part 5  
  
~Journal Entry 7~  
I am such a coward. I left without even looking at his face, not wanting to look into his eyes. I refused to look into his eyes, afraid I would see nothing there after the moments we have shared...more afraid I would see something...anything. It's easy to die when you have nothing to live for, but to die once you have a reason most to live. I don't want the pain. It's not a lie if I refuse to see the truth.  
Heero. The name is a sigh in my mind; it rolls over me in thick waves like chocolate, sweet and satisfying. I only have a few moments to record my thoughts here, but I must record them. Heero's waiting, I told him I would be back in several minutes after I tried to get out of bed and he stopped me. I told him I needed to go to the bathroom and I did have a pill to take after all. I feel bad saying that, but I had to, even if it was the truth...a half-truth...still, it was the truth. I needed to get away for a few minutes, oh, sweet delicious torture. We are playing the game we played so long ago, cat and mouse. Catch me if you can, skitter, hide, pretend. I don't have time for this. Look at that, my hand is shaking, the writing is so messy. It's his smell, Heero has the sweetest musk I've ever known, and I'm wearing the shirt he had on this morning. It's a dark green, soft as silk, and it's his smell that I can't escape.  
  
The addiction: heartache  
My pain is pleasure  
Bittersweet desire  
  
I hate him for making me feel. I never should have taken Wufei's advice. I love him. Such chaos I harbor in my mind.   
  
Take me  
Break me  
Make me  
Bittersweet  
Surrender  
I'm yours  
  
I don't want to die.  
Duo Maxwell  
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"Duo, are you alright?" Duo looked up at Heero who was standing in the doorway to the kitchen and gave him a puzzled look, setting down the juice he had been holding in one hand and placed the bookmark in the book with the other before closing it slowly.  
  
"Why do you ask?"  
  
"I'm worried, I've been watching you closely the past couple days and you seem to be in pain or something. Is there something you want to talk about, something you want to tell me?"  
  
Duo shook his head, "No, I'm fine, as far as I know, and if I don't know then I can't quite tell you can I?"  
  
Heero came into the kitchen fully and leaned in to place a kiss against Duo's lips before getting himself a glass of juice as well. "I have news...but I'm not sure if it's good or bad," Heero said, sitting in the chair adjacent to Duo. Duo gave an encouraging nod.  
  
"Well...I received a call from Relena nearly a week ago and she's coming to visit, will be staying here for two days at the most." Heero waited to see how this was received, and the slightest quiver to the bottom lip and the unwarranted flutter of his lashes was all Heero was given to base his next sentences on. "She should be here sometime tonight or early tomorrow. We've been doing this ever since she and I split up, staying with the other if we happen to be in town for some reason or another. And I wanted to discuss with you the sleeping arrangements before she came to stay."  
  
"And you wanted to ask me if I wouldn't mind not coming in and curling up with you while she was here," Duo said softly.  
  
"Er...no, you see, I only have that one guest bedroom and I usually give that to her, so I was wondering if you would mind moving out of the room just for a few days and into mine. After she leaves you can go back to the room."  
  
Duo appeared a bit surprised as he looked up at Heero, but nodded before he regained use of his voice. "I have no problem with that at all, but will she?"  
  
"Why should she? My private life shouldn't be any of her business, no matter what that is, and quite frankly I don't care what she thinks or says or how she reacts."  
  
"Does she know I'm here?" Duo asked curiously.  
  
A small smile played over Heero's lips, "Actually, I think I might have forgotten to mention that." Duo smiled back and sipped lightly at his juice, then stood and put his dishes in the sink, prepared to clean out the stuff in the room while his mind was focused on it. Heero caught his wrist and pulled him back slowly.  
  
"You don't regret the last several days do you?" he asked softly, looking up at Duo and brushing several wayward strands of hair from the other's face.  
  
"No, I don't regret it, Heero, I don't think I could if I wanted to." Duo smiled sadly and loosed his arm from Heero's grasp.  
  
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~Journal Entry 8~  
Finally I have a bit more time to myself. Heero is like a hawk, always circling, always watching, always aware. I'm flattered by the attention and concern, but really...it all gets a little old. Ever since that morning when we tumbled into the sheets and found the others body I've spent every night with him without question, not even thinking I would retire to my room, and now he's asked me to stay in his room while Relena is here. He thinks I'm concerned...or something. Not likely, I'm just glad to have the chance to have him all to myself with her here, and I don't think he'll be arguing with me over it. She knew that him and I were involved and I'm sure she knew that Heero had left me stranded when he came to her. I just feel this will be evening things out a bit. At least in my mind, and that's all that matters.  
  
I'm not asking Heero for undying love and devotion, I'm not delusional, although some would argue that point. All I want is for Heero to pay attention to me and stay with me and show me I'm someone just until I leave this earth, he won't have to take long, I have two weeks left at the most, but I don't have the heart to tell him. I think he knows, every time he looks into my eyes I see reflected in him the ghost of death. He knows, he senses it if nothing else, and I know, because the pain grows every day. Dying certainly isn't easy, it's painful. I'm taking two pain pills on average a day, sometimes more, sometimes less. I don't know where the pain has come from, but I refuse to take more, no matter how much it hurts. When I take more I lose something of myself. The pain goes away but so do I, so I live through the pain so I don't lose myself to the drugged state it puts me in. Gone, but not forgotten. At least, I hope so. Damn, I can barely keep my eyes open and it's only after two in the afternoon. I'm going to have to take a nap soon, but maybe it's all the nighttime activity that is wearing me out. I don't know, but if so, I don't care.  
Duo Maxwell  
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The knock on the door was light but somehow commandingly polite, typical Relena fashion, and Heero stood and moved over to the door, opened it to see her standing there in the waning afternoon light, eyes sparkling and looking a bit older than the last time they had seen each other. Her cheeks were flushed as she dropped her small bag by her side and threw her arms around Heero's neck, her usual greeting. Heero returned the embrace stiffly, as he always did, and she pulled back unperturbed by this. "Heero," she greeted softly.  
  
"Relena, you're looking well."  
  
"Thank you," she accepted, picking up her bag, knowing Heero would only take it from her in the gentlemanly way he always did. He did. She smiled fully at him and looped her arm through his. "It's good to see you again, Heero. It's been so very long and you haven't visited in forever, I've missed you." Her eyes sparkled with promises for the night to come.  
  
It had been rather innocent enough really; the way their relationship had carried on after all was said and done. Still good friends, still good sex. Just because their marriage ended that didn't mean their couplings had to, and they didn't, for every time one would visit the other they ended up in bed together. No regrets, both liked it, seeing it as the release that they didn't have because they had no other relationships. Heero sighed.  
  
"It has been quite a while. I'll put this in the guest room, everything should be cleared out of their already from earlier, and keep your voice down, I don't want the nap to be disturbed." Relena's eyes took on that owlish glint which came from her curiosity and she looked questioningly at the closed door to the master suite, before taking silent steps toward it.   
"You have a girlfriend, Heero?" she asked, trying her best not to smile. "And you never mentioned it to me?"  
  
She opened the door before Heero could protest and peered in, taking in the dim room and the lithe figure sprawled unceremoniously on her ex-husbands bed, long waves of hair covering the woman's face and most of her body, one fragile looking hand dangling loosely off the side of the bed. Relena closed the door, turned to look at Heero with a mock frown. "Why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend, Heero, I might have gotten a hotel room. Can't be good, new girlfriend, ex-wife, they don't mix, especially considering who you're ex-wife is. Or did she just drop by unexpectedly, you didn't know she would be here?"  
  
It took Heero a moment to recover from Relena calling Duo a her and a she even after looking in, but on reflection realized that Duo did have that appearance, especially with his hair down. Oh boy, how to explain this one. Running a hand back through unruly hair Heero opened the guest bedroom door and entered, setting the bag on the bed, which Duo had made, surprisingly enough.  
  
"I didn't feel it imperative to mention it," Heero explained after a long moment, during which his eyes scanned the room looking for any signs of the ex-pilot.  
  
"Yes, well, we'll see what she has to say about that. Does she know I'm supposed to be coming? Let me guess, you sprung it on her just this afternoon, in typical Heero 'need-to-know' fashion?"  
  
A small smile quirked Heero's lips and he looked over his shoulder at the room one last time, "Settle yourself in Relena," he said, closing the door firmly behind him and slipping into his own room, locking the door. He had just placed his knee on the frame of the waterbed when Duo rolled over to look at him, arms wide and welcoming.   
  
"I heard her voice from the moment you opened the front door," he explained sleepily, wrapping his arms around the Japanese man, yawning against the shirt. "Always such an annoying voice, but it's changed, it's sounds more mature, I just hope it reaches her mind."  
  
"It has," Heero murmured, gathering a handful of hair and letting it slip through his fingers. "You go back to napping, I can see you're struggling to stay awake. I'm going to go start dinner, alright."  
  
Duo nodded and Heero pressed a light kiss to the warm forehead, letting the other settle down again before moving away. He ran into Relena in the hall, who was smiling somewhat smugly, before turning and moving towards the kitchen, checking her watch. "It's about dinnertime, Heero, do you need any help?"  
  
"That would be nice of you, Relena," Heero answered, smiling slightly as he pushed the door to the kitchen open.  



	6. The Most Bittersweet Gift 06/ 07

NOTES:: {Standard Disclaimer, just cuz i'm feeling paranoid. Don't own them, don't sue. Thanks}}   
WARNINGS:: There's some language, predictable angst, something that might count as Relena bashing(I would just like to say what is contained here in that way is not a reflection of this author's feelings toward Relena, they are Duo's feelings, which he has a right to. Thank you.) Yaoi. And that's about it...enjoy. And FEEDBACK!!  
  
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Duo slid the brush through his hair one last time, watching it float back down, and then settled the brush back down on the dresser with a frown. It seemed to him that the brush, which had been clean only moments before as Duo started brushing the hair, was clogged with the loose strands that built up, but that wasn't right, he had a lot of hair, admittedly, but the brush never looked like that afterward. Leaning forward he squinted into the mirror and wondered if his hair looked less thick. The doctor had warned there was a 45% chance he would start to loose his hair as the weeks came closer and closer due to the medicine.  
  
Shaking his hair out Duo watched as several more loose strands floated down to the tile floor around his feet, gathering with the others. Biting his lower lip Duo picked up the brush and picked several more hairs from Heero's dark blue button-up shirt from the night before. He had pulled it on with a pair of shorts, and the shirt was larger on him then on Heero, so the only part of the jean shorts that could be seen was several inches.   
  
Moving toward the kitchen on the silent feet that had been his trademark as both a street rat on L2 and the gundam pilot he could hear the clatter of dishes and then Relena's soft laugh, the clink of a glass settling on the tabletop. The scent that greeted him was heavy, some sort of chicken and perhaps pasta, yes; Duo definitely could smell the sauce. His stomach reminded him he had not eaten lunch. Pushing the door open a bit Duo slid in, brush held to his side, somewhat nervously, head tilted to one side slightly. Relena stood with her back to him, talking to Heero, who was stirring a sauce. Her hand rested lightly on Heero's arm, but Duo could see the possessiveness of the touch, the tenderness and caring. The words were unimportant, trivial political matters. She took a breath and Duo cut in.  
  
"Heero," he began softly, causing Relena to turn puzzled, and the expression didn't waver as she tried to figure out why the person in front of her, wearing Heero's shirt, looked so familiar. Heero turned with a half smile. "Yes?" Duo held out the brush a bit, not really telling him to take it, just to notice it. "This is going to sound silly, but, um, does it look like to you there's an extraordinary amount of loose hair collected in this brush."  
  
Frowning Heero realized there was more behind the question then a simple inquiry and came forward, took the brush from Duo's weak hand. He chose his words carefully when he answered, "No, it doesn't look like there's an extraordinary amount, Duo, maybe a bit more than usual, but nothing extraordinary."  
  
Duo sighed softly under his breath, relieved, then lifted his eyes to look at Relena, whose mouth had dropped in surprise in a most undignified way. "Duo?"  
  
"Yes Relena."  
  
"What...what are you doing here?" she stuttered.  
  
"Visiting, probably the same thing you're doing."  
  
"Oh...oh, then you won't be here for...for a long time, just passing through?"  
  
"You could say that, or just passing on."  
  
"Then I imagine you were kicked out of the guest bedroom for me to stay here. Heero, you should have told me, I would have been more than glad to find myself a hotel room. Where are you staying now, on the couch? You boys shouldn't be so cramped together if not."  
  
"No, I won't be on the couch," Duo said coolly, "Heero's room is more than adequate. I won't give up my bed just because you're here. By the way, did I mention how lovely you're looking these days, much more grown-up, more mature. I would say it's a pleasure seeing you again, but it's just not, and I don't lie."  
  
Heero sighed and rubbed his forehead a bit, the hair concern completely set aside. He resisted telling Duo to behave, giving him a firm smack along the backside for emphasis, but he also resisted chuckling.  
  
Relena found no words and Duo continued on as if she wasn't there. "I borrowed your shirt, I hope you don't mind," Duo stated, looking at Heero, wrinkling his nose slightly. Heero shook his head, caught up in the vision that Duo presented; leaned forward a bit to lift the edge of the shirt, and then let it drop. "You're swimming in it."  
  
"It's comfortable. Relena, you should close your mouth," Duo stated, lifting her chin up a bit for her. He picked up the glass that he assumed to be Heero's, for Relena's she held in her hand, and moved back to lean against the wall, holding it in his hands after taking a small sip. Heero didn't protest as he turned back around to whatever he had been stirring.  
  
"Well, I...I hadn't quite expected to see you so suddenly. You look...good, if not just a bit pale and tired, but it doesn't make you look too haggard," Relena said, recovering awkwardly, hand smoothing along the length of her skirt. She picked at some invisible lint and forced a smile at the American, whom she had to admit was very enticing with the hair down, sleek muscled body, but something was not right, something was off. He did look haggard, she had been telling the truth, and he looked weary, the kind of weary that extended far from the body and permeated the very soul and mind.   
  
"Thank you for the compliment Relena," Duo said, over to the chair that had been partially pulled back, pulled it the rest of the way and fought a wince as a pain drifted lazily along his side, stealing his breath. Heero noticed; Heero had a sixth sense about that. He was at Duo's side in a moment, supporting him, easing him down in the chair. Duo pushed Heero away, gently but firmly, then shook his head, "I'm fine, Hee-chan, don't let the food burn."  
  
Heero frowned and let his fingertips linger on Duo's shoulder, scratching lightly at the material of the shirt, then moved over to the counter, not nearly as close to Relena as he had been before. "I didn't exactly mean it as a compliment," Relena said dryly.   
  
Duo shook his head, feeling a wave of nausea come over him, realizing he should have eaten lunch before taking his medicine. Propping his elbows up on the table he leaned his chin on his hands and closed his eyes, hair spilling forward around him. He felt Heero behind him, then a feather light touch against his back, questioning.  
  
"Oi, Heero, you wouldn't happen to have any of those crackers handy, would ya?" Duo asked, hating the helpless feeling that welled up inside. Heero didn't chastise in front of Relena, of which Duo was grateful, only settled the asked for item on the table and moved back to his sauce. Duo looked up at Relena as he took a bite of the cracker, the snap resounding loudly in his ears as he quirked an eyebrow. Duo hated the way Relena seemed to go perfectly with the small kitchen, hated the way she seemed to ooze into Heero's life so naturally while Duo had fought so hard for so long to be acknowledged. He wished he could change that.  
  
"Yes, well, Relena, considering that I have two weeks left to live that's a compliment." Relena dropped her cup and it hit the floor with a loud crack, sending shattered glass in every direction and sticky soda along in rivers across the tile. Heero dropped the spoon onto the counter at the noise and turned, eyes instinctively falling onto Duo, before taking in the rest of the situation. In truth the blunt way Duo had said it had shocked him a bit too, but Heero had learned long ago it was just part of the Maxwell charm.  
  
Seemingly oblivious to the shock that he had caused as Heero crouched down to help Relena pick up some of glass Duo continued to talk. "Hey, Hee-chan, I was wondering if we might be able to get some notebooks or something for me in the next couple of days. I'm going bored out of my mind with nothing to do."  
  
"All you have to do is ask," Heero said, nodding his head as he sorted through a shelf of spices, leaving the spilt drink to be wiped up by Relena. "What did you want that stuff for?"  
  
"I discovered that I liked writing in the last few years, and I've been doing it off and on. I find peace in writing." "I didn't know that about you," Heero stated, turning to glance at Duo before going back to what he was doing. "There's a lot of things you don't know, Heero," Duo said, pulling out another cracker. A lot of things you'll never know, he added silently.   
  
"You're teasing me, right?" Relena asked as she recovered, still crouching with a damp cloth in her hand.   
  
"No, I'm not teasing you, Relena. Why in god's name would I say something like that to be funny, after all the death I've seen and been responsible for? Even I'm not that hard-hearted," Duo whispered in a hard voice  
  
Relena swallowed nervously and stood, rinsing the cloth out in the sink.   
"I...I didn't mean to sound so...I didn't want it to be taken how you took it. It's just...I can't imagine...it's hard to imagine someone like you dying."  
  
"Why's that?" Duo asked, narrowing his eyes and looking up at Relena, who stepped back against the counter unconsciously.  
  
"It's just...just hard to imagine, that's all. It's hard for me to imagine you so vulnerable that death could touch you, that's all."  
  
"Perhaps that's where you went wrong so long ago, not realizing that I was more fragile and more vulnerable than I looked, more so than you. That thought never even crossed your mind, did it, when Heero came to you, running from me? You knew where he came from; you probably didn't even spare a thought for what condition I was left in, seeing as how you got what you always wanted, and as long as the princess is happy the world can go fuck itself, can't it? You were a spoiled rotten brat then, I imagine you still are now."  
  
Relena took a shocked step back, looking to Heero for perhaps a kind word in her favor, for him to stick up for her. Duo didn't even let either say anything. "Don't follow me," he hissed, stood, wavering from the rapid movement, then left the kitchen and stalked down the hall toward the bedroom.  
  
Relena looked over at Heero again, whose brow was furrowed with his frown. He brought his eyes over to her, and then moved back to the sauce, "I'll go talk to him once the food's done, I'll let him cool off until then, but for now...for now I think we need to talk." She nodded meekly.  
  
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~Journal Entry 9~  
I can't even look at that perfect face without wanting to reach out and smack her, to see a red mark against her perfect skin, scratch her eyes out, to shake her and make her open her eyes and think of someone else for a change. Where did this bitterness come from? If anything I should be bitter with Heero, for what Heero did to me, not her, she's guilty of only the same thing that I'm guilty of, loving Heero. But it's her I want to hurt, it's her I want to make feel the pain and loneliness and heartache of three goddamn years. Three years worth of fear and disappointment and pain, three years of longing and that pressing scream of worthlessness. But it's her that knew someone was being hurt when Heero ran to her, she was the one who understood how human emotions worked, she's the one who didn't even think what sort of emotional wreck Heero was leaving behind, so why not blame her? I can see it in her eyes now, she still feels for Heero, and she doesn't want me to be around him because he feels something for me, something she knew he never felt for her. But I got him back, damn-it, I have him back, I'm where I belong, even if it's only for a little while, and she's here now. I can't hate him; I just can't do it, no matter how badly I have wanted to all these years. I love him too much to think like that towards him, so I guess that's why it all goes to Relena. I can't hate him, I don't have the energy, I don't have the desire to carry this bitter feeling in me any more, it's taking up space for all the feeling I do have now. And I don't have the energy to hate Relena either; it's almost a redundant feeling, to hate her. No, I'll try to get along with her, I know she's human, and I have to be honest with myself. If Heero had come to me, running from her, I would have greeted him with open arms and have never let go. But shit, that's alright for me, I deserve that sort of happiness, after all I've been through in my life, after all I've given and what's never been given back...Oh god, there's that pain again, ripping up my side and squeezing my lungs, daring me to breathe too deeply. Where's my...oh, damn-it, my meds are in the kitchen. Oh well, time to face the music...I guess. Just as soon as I can stand...  
Maxwell...  
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Duo leaned against the doorframe just outside the kitchen, catching his breath, before opening the door slowly and stepping in. He kept his head down, moving toward the cabinet, and began to speak before anyone could say anything, "Hey, sorry about the way I acted earlier...I don't know what came over me..." his words were cut short by Heero's arm sliding around his waist, leading him over to the table. "It's all right," Heero stated, sitting him down. "Relena's in the bathroom right now, and don't bother apologizing. I'm surprised you didn't get up and punch in the face; I could see the rage boiling beneath the surface. Are you alright?"  
  
Duo smiled weakly and squeezed Heero's hand. "Could you get me...get me-." Heero pulled away and moved over to the counter. "Sure thing. I hope you can eat something a little spicy, not too much, but I did add some for flavor. Also, the doctor called, said something about you're having put a message on his voice mail. Here, take this, you should watch yourself better, make sure you take what you have to take when you have to take it."  
  
Downing the pill Duo tilted his head back slowly to look up at Heero, who was studying him with concerned eyes. Pulling Heero down slowly Duo pressed a light kiss to his lips, then let him go, just a simple reassurance that Heero was still his, even if only for the moment. "What did he have to say?"  
  
"He can see you tomorrow around three, if it's not too late." Duo shook his head, pulling his hair back slowly away from his face, tying it back. The door behind him opened, then Relena came back in slowly, easing down in the chair across from him without a word. Heero settled down in the chair adjacent to both of them and silently murmured a hope they would behave themselves during dinner.  
  
  
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~Journal Entry 10~  
Amazing. Heero's sound asleep and I'm writing this on his back, and he hasn't stirred yet...well, he stirred to see what I was doing but I told him to go back to sleep, I'm just jotting something down, and he did. Now, I know I'm the curious one, but when he wants to know something...well, he'll know it if it's the last thing he does. He has such a nice back, the smooth skin, the way it curves, the silky firmness of the flesh, and it makes a wonderful table. All right, I'm done ogling his perfect body. Make's sense, ne? I'm rambling, well, I'm nervous. I have that doctor appointment tomorrow, to see if the hair...well, no, I'm not going to dwell on that just now. Relena was actually polite at dinner, sweet even; I wonder what Heero said to her. And boy, the look on her face when she came out of the kitchen with her drink to find me on Hee-chan's lap, kissing. Priceless. I can die a happy man now...well, no, scratch that. That's like wishing for it to happen, don't want to call the grim reaper closer than he already is. Shit...I had to remind myself. Not like I had forgotten. It's kind of hard to forget when I have to remember to take my medicine or I have to grit my teeth through the pain that strikes no matter what I do, or when getting up and walking from the bedroom to the kitchen takes the breath from me, or sitting up for extended periods of time wears me out. I'm a gundam pilot, was a gundam pilot, and look at what I've been reduced to. I hate myself sometimes, I hate my life, and I hate everything. And there's pity in my friends eyes, pity. That's probably what Heero feels, but he's just so wonderful at hiding his feelings. Fuck, look at what I've done, I'm lying to myself again, and I know I'm lying to myself, I'm just not sure what I'm lying about. I...screw that; I'm too tired to get worked up right now. I'm over the anger thing, way over it, have been for years. I will not let it rule me, I will not let it rule me, and I will not let it rule me. Maybe if I keep telling myself that I might believe it someday, ne? I'm so full of shit. But hey, at least I know it, right?  
Duo Maxwell  
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The Most Bittersweet Gift part 7  
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Duo leaned his head back a little, hands coming up to rub at the throat, sweeping along to the back where small tendrils of hair inevitably escaped the braid, rubbing in a soothing manner. It did little to ease the tense muscles and suddenly Duo's body temperature seemed to plummet, leaving him chilled in the room which he had been previously comfortable in. His eyes strayed over to Heero, who was sitting rigid, straight-backed in the somewhat comfortable chair, watching Duo's doctor's face, expression almost unreadable. Suddenly Duo wished that they had opted to sit on the couch again, so Duo could lean into the warm, comforting body, for more reasons than physical chill. Dr. Wright began to speak in his soft voice, the one normally reserved to soften the blow bad news brought with it, and that's all the answer Duo needed.  
  
"I'm sorry, Duo. It does seem, unfortunately, that you do seem to be losing your hair. It's actually more normal than most think, since it's not a disease that's causing it, which is rare, and a combination of medicines. Sometimes it's unavoidable, if the medicine is doing what it's supposed to do. Eyesight may fail a bit, memory may get a bit fuzzy, in your case, hair loss. It's not the worst thing in the world, I suppose. It may not be entirely either, I think that the fact you have so much hair may be pulling down a bit more than needed and that's helping the rate at which it goes. My advice, to keep your hair for a bit longer, if it's planning on falling out on you at all, is to cut it. It'll last longer. Good news though."  
  
"How's that?" Duo managed, fighting successfully to keep back the tears he had not allowed to fall for himself in so long.   
  
"Well, it shows that you have actually been taking your medication. Only a long time on the medication would lead to such a build up like this, enough to cause the hair to weaken and the chemicals to differ slightly. Probably not good advice as far as you care, but there's nothing really that can be done as far as reversing the process." Doctor Wright paused, letting it sink in slowly and easily, then broke through the silence again, rising slightly in his chair, arms extended over his tabletop to Heero. "Pleasure seeing you again, sir, even though it had to be like this. I have another appointment, I had to squeeze this in, but that's really no bother, and don't hesitate to call if you need to see me about something, alright Duo?"  
  
Duo nodded, not really hearing the blurred words as they fell on his deaf ears, mind numb from the shock of what was happening. He vaguely had the sensation of Heero pulling him up against his warm body, throwing an arm tightly around the waist, leading him away from the office and down the hall. He was blind to the others waiting to be seen as they looked on as the two young men passed, some with pity and sympathy for the obviously distraught pair, some with unease at seeing the two so close. He wasn't even sure how he made it to the car except to know he was there, the seatbelt pressing against his chest, staring out the windshield through narrow eyes. They weren't moving.  
  
"Duo," Heero whispered from beside him, drawing Duo's attention outward, away from himself and towards the sound, and Duo looked over to see Heero settled beside him in the drivers seat, one arm thrown over the steering wheel, cheek resting against that arm, deep, burning, Prussian blue eyes focused solely and entirely upon him, Duo Maxwell.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I...I'm sorry."  
  
Two little words that released the flood from behind a broken dam and Duo broke down into sobs, drawing his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees, forehead resting against the knees. Heero moved closer and pulled Duo close, knowing without words being spoken the angst this caused him. Once the sobs had subsided and the breathing had evened out Duo lifted his head to look at Heero through blurred eyes. His hand came up, wiped absently with the back of his hand against his face. "What do you think I should do?" he whispered.  
  
Heero smoothed the hair back away from Duo's face where they were coming loose (and not off, thank god, Heero thought), knowing he owed Duo the truth. "I think...I think you should cut it. He may be right, and besides, that much hair has to...it has to weigh you down, right? Especially when wet."  
  
A moment's thought, then Duo nodded, and Heero wasn't sure if he was agreeing or answering the question posed. Another nod, then Duo lifted Heero's hand and pressed it against his flushed, tear-streaked cheek, tilting his head into the touch. "Alright," he breathed, voice breaking slightly. "Alright, if you think that's best."  
  
"I do."  
  
"Now, before I lose my nerve."  
Heero reluctantly pulled his hand away, but caught Duo's hand and squeezed, settling their joined hands against his own cheek momentarily before letting go. Starting the car he glanced over at Duo, then back to the road.   
  
  
The position was alien to him, but he accepted whole-heartedly and without thought as he chattered on and on about nothing in particular. Not his style, this was Duo's thing, but Duo was silent and Heero didn't want Duo to back out or draw into himself. He had to respect the American though, after trying to talk for five minutes about nothing and finding his already struggling monologue was collapsing in on it's self, and this was something Duo could do for hours upon hours at a time.  
  
"That's an awful lot of hair, there," the barber remarked, looking at the braided chestnut rope snaking it's way down the back of the chair. "And you want me to cut it all off, hmmm, where do you want it cut at?"  
  
Those heartbroken violet eyes jumped over to Heero without a second thought and Heero cursed the fact he would have to make this decision. Moving from where he was in front of Duo, blocking Duo's view of the mirror and of the barber's hands, to where the older man stood, and studied the braid. The braid, which had become as much of a part of Duo as the cross around his neck, or the maniac grin on his lips, or the ever-present chatter. It took a full minute for Heero to decide, and then he slowly touched a place on the braid, several inches below the shoulders, feeling Duo wince at that light contact. He hissed under his breath he wanted the braid intact, unable to part with it even if it had to part from its owner.  
  
Duo's eyes were shut tightly, humming lightly under his breath, but he still knew the exact moment the braid was cut, as the ever-present weight, the ever-present reminder it had served all these years, was suddenly no longer there. Followed closely was the thought that Heero loved his hair, would Heero love him now that it was gone?  
  
There was no time to ponder that as Heero petted the back of Duo's hand gently, silent, the barber not as silent as he trimmed the now shorter hair, it reaching to some point one fourth down his back, where before it had dangled teasingly against his thighs, brushing his knees when he wore shorts, getting caught up in doors and being sat on. Never again, a little voice whispered in his mind.  
  
"Heero," Duo whispered. "Take me home."  
  
Heero looked up, and then nodded, feeling a smile touch his lips. Yes, he would take Duo home.  
  
  
"Not likely, he's been sitting on the couch like that ever since I brought him home at two-thirty and it's near about six," Heero answered, glancing over at Relena, who was peeking out of the open kitchen door watching where Duo sat, glass of water by his side, writing in one of the notebooks Heero had bought him on the way back from their appointment and the impromptu murder of the braid.  
  
"Do you think he'll eat dinner, even if he doesn't come to the table?"  
  
"Doesn't matter," Heero answered, looking over his shoulder with a frown at Duo, who's hair had promptly been pulled back into a ponytail and left there, not touched once since then. Heero had to admit he liked the new look, it was different, and while the other look made Duo into a fey creature, this gave him back the masculinity that was lost in the trailing feet of hair. It framed his face, making him appear more delicate, but stronger at the same time. "I'm going to make him eat, even if I have to feed him myself," Heero explained.  
  
"So the hair had to go to slow the process of him losing it all very fast, so now he looses only bits very slow," Relena asked. Heero nodded. "I imagine he's feeling very insecure right about now, then," Relena stated. The obvious was left unsaid, Duo had been feeling very insecure for a long time, and the bulk of the insecurity started when Relena had appeared on the doorstep.  
  
"I love him," Heero told her, looking back. "Did you know that?"  
  
"Yes. Does he know that?"  
  
"I don't know," Heero admitted.  
  
Just then Duo looked up at them, eyes on Heero first, then moving to Relena, tracing a path down the waist length hair. Relena glanced over at Heero. "I'm going to talk to him," she said. "Don't interrupt."  
  
Closing the kitchen door behind her she settled next to Duo on the couch and stared ahead at the blank television screen a moment.  
  
"Yes Relena," Duo urged, seeing she had no intentions of getting up and moving away anytime soon.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"What do you care?"  
  
"I do, I have no choice. I adore Heero and you make Heero happy, so I have to care, even if I don't want to. Don't worry, I do. I wronged you, I'm sorry."  
  
"What's that?" Duo looked up.  
  
"You heard me, I wronged you, and I'm sorry. You were right, what you said yesterday. I'm older now, and if this me was looking back on the younger, more spoiled me, I would tell her to face the facts and see that Heero can never be mine, his heart belongs somewhere else, and to make sure it returns to it's home. He's found a home in you, Duo. I don't know if he realized it or not."  
  
Duo pressed the pencil against the paper again but it didn't move. "What are you writing?" "I'm just writing. I like to write; it helps me release my feelings. I used to be a cutter, but that's dangerous, so instead I take my aggression out on paper with a pencil, not on my skin with a razor."  
  
"Does Heero know?" Relena asked, faintly surprised, looking over at Duo.  
  
Duo nodded, "Hai, he knows. It wasn't a new thing, and he came back to the safe house early from a mission to find me on the bathroom floor, razor in one hand, the blood seeping from a shallow cut I had made in my arm onto the floor, watching it with dull, disinterested eyes. He freaked out, as much as he could freak out, ripping it out of my hand and threatening to kill me if I ever did it again. I think it scared him, or it was something he couldn't understand. Self-mutilation, only those who practice it can understand what release it brings. If I hadn't made that promise, that's probably where I would be right now, under the hot spray of the shower, razor in hand, but something tells me I wouldn't have stopped until I had made enough cuts to stop the pain forever." Duo lifted haunted eyes to Relena's then back down to the paper where the pencil was still poised to write.  
  
"I hate you," he whispered. "I hate you because I can't hate him, and there's no more room for self-hatred left, it's already all taken up space for other matters. And that's not the half of it. I hate you because you don't hate me, because you even seem to care, like now, you seem on the verge of something nice, liking pulling me into a hug, but you know me well enough to know that will only make me hate you more. Doesn't that just suck, you're being punished for a crime you know nothing of?"  
  
"Is that how you felt?" Relena asked in a whisper.  
  
"Yes, among things. What do you think that said to me, that the person I had loved more than life itself, who I would have done anything for, leaves me when I needed him the most, simply because I needed him. Maybe if he had run to someone else it would have hurt less, I wouldn't have been so upset over the loss. But no, it was you, the peace-endorsing, perfect, rich, spoiled, faultless Miss Relena Peacecraft. What do you think that said to me, the street rat from L2, the orphan who had no family, no friends, no home to return to after the war, the plague that brought death with him everywhere he went. Heero was innocent, he just didn't know it.  
  
"I know why the doctor's can't understand why I'm dying, why they think it's a mutated version of the engineered plague which swept my home, and that only because there's no better explanation. Would you like to know why, Relena? It's because they've never before seen what's killing me, what's eating me alive from the inside out, and yes, that's what it feels like. The reason they can't find anything is because I've poisoned myself. I've poisoned myself with my bitterness and now it's killing me. And you know what, I must deserve it, or else why would it have happened?"  
  
"Oh Duo," Relena breathed. "You don't honestly believe that, do you?"  
Duo was silent, shading the lines of his paper along the margins, almost like she wasn't there, and then he spoke softly. "Leave me alone, Relena."  
Relena got up slowly and went into the kitchen, before retreating to the guest bedroom with a plate.  
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Alright, just wanted to say, but didn't want to clutter up above, thank you everyone who has been sending me the feedback on this story, and I'm getting it out as fast as I can. Sorry about the deathfic, but I had to get it out of my system. Probably won't write another like it for a while, and if I do, I doubt I'll target Duo.   
^_^  



	7. The Most Bittersweet Gift 08/09

NOTES:: Warnings -there's probably some minor language, and it's kind of sad, especially a bit at the end, but I believe that has it's own separate warnings. This is kind of Relena friendly too. Read, enjoy. ^_^  
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The Most Bittersweet Gift part 8  
  
Moments later Heero emerged from the kitchen with two plates, and instructions from Relena to cheer him up. To his surprise he didn't have to force-feed Duo to get him to eat, although had scowled with uncharacteristic distaste at having Heero interrupt. Heero didn't allow this to detract from his best efforts at cheering up the cool, distant ex-pilot. He had now been trying for the past several minutes to draw Duo into some form of communication and it wasn't going as he had anticipated and hushed up, mind wandering.   
  
Glancing around the room Heero's eyes settled onto the stereo, and with a twitch of a smile he stood and made his way over, flipped it on to the soft, easy music he was used to listening to for relaxation, slow songs. Going back over to Duo he pulled the other to his feet, setting the notebook aside and ignoring the confused face, as well as the glare he received for the troubles. He pushed the couch back, then the coffee table, before holding out his hand to Duo. "Dance with me."  
  
Duo rolled his eyes, "Come on Heero, you're being ridiculous. If you want to dance with someone Relena..."  
  
"I want to dance with you, not Relena," Heero said, pulling Duo against him. Duo sighed and pushed back, only to find himself in the steel embrace Heero usually adopted when he wanted something, and so without much choice Duo found himself caught up in the movements of the slow song, Heero's arms about his waist, so he threaded his own arms around Heero's neck and clasped them at the nape. He moved for a moment silently, and then looked up at Heero. "Why are you doing this?"  
  
"Why not? Just a couple more songs, then I'll let you go back to your gloom and doom and pouting."  
  
Duo smirked, a real smile, even if it was a smirk, and then let his face fall into the natural countenance he usually didn't allow to show. Leaning in he rested his body against Heero's, head tucked easily under Heero's chin, and fell into step as Heero rested his cheek atop the head.  
  
"Your beautiful," he whispered, smoothing a hand up the back and releasing the hair, letting his fingers fan it out along the shoulders. Duo for once didn't protest, only murmured a, "So are you." Neither realized that one song slowly turned into two, two into four, four into eight, until the hours passed and they broke apart for a contented sleep somewhere near 11 at night, only to draw back together once in slumber for the still orchestra of the night to play.  
  
  
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~Journal Entry 11~  
Sometimes I just wish I could die, I wish that I would drop over right there and not have to think, not have to feel, not have to function, not have to lie. NO-NO-NO-NO!!!! I am not lying...I am not lying...I am not lying...why do my words lack conviction now? They never did before, never, throughout all my years of telling myself I'm not lying, I'm only surviving, only making others feel better...why now? Living on the streets I had to lie to myself, I did it all the time, only it wasn't a lie. It was hiding. I could hide, right. I'm Duo Maxwell. I run, I hide, but I never lie. Yep, that's me in a nutshell. (God, not ten days ago I would have looked at that simple little phrase and my imagination would have supplied a darling little picture of me in a nutshell, pressing against the sides, trying to get out. Nope, not anymore. This time the word nutshell makes me think of wood, and thinking of wood makes me think of a coffin, and thinking of coffins...yep, you got it. I see myself lying in a coffin, dressed in some ridiculous outfit that Quatre picked out for me, no doubt. And what is there about me, as my coffin sits, neglected, gathering dust...nothing. Where are all my friends, why are they not here, what's happened that no one came to see me off, why have I been abandoned...again?)  
  
Oh, enough of that, where was I? Oh yeah, not lying. And you know what, it's not lying, it's hiding. The truth is in there, yes, but you obviously don't want it hard enough. Why face the truth when the truth is I'm terrified and I'm alone? I'm so hungry my stomach and mind stop wanting the food, accepting I won't be getting it? When I get it I can't eat it, it makes me sick to my stomach, but I have to? Why face the truth when the only people who have ever seemed to really want me die, because of me, because I'm Shinigami and I can't keep anyone alive, not even my dearest and only friend? Solo, I failed you, I know I have, and I hope you can forgive me? You promised me, do you remember that? You promised as long as I was Duo, we would always be together. Have you kept it...Have I? I don't even know anymore. Oh god, but I miss you, I really do. I have others, I have tentative friends, I have friends who have proved time and time again they will always be there, I have...Heero. I have Heero.  
  
I really have him, I have him, he's mine, MINE. And it's not a cruel thought I'm torturing myself with, it's not a dream in the middle of the night where you vanish as soon as I whisper your name, it's not a ghost, or an illusion, or a hallucination. You are there, flesh and blood, in my arms, in my heart.  
  
Sweet whispers of midnight silk, ye gods, how have I, a mere mortal, claimed your fallen angel?  
  
We all wear masks...unfortunately I can no longer hide behind it. It's cracking, there is imperfection, there is a flaw. Mask or not, I'm still good at hiding. You don't see how my hands shake, do you? You don't see the pain as I move? I must be doing something right...right? I write, that's about all I do now, not in this ratty, tatty old thing, which has been to hell and back along with me. No, I wrote in all those wonderful notebooks that Heero got me, and there is a never-ending supply of them, or pens, pens of all colors of the rainbows. How in gods name does one write with a yellow pen? I don't know, but I have one, hell, I have three, they looked so cheerful. And red and blue and green and orange and white (white!) and gold and silver and violet...and Prussian blue. That's my favorite, I'm saving it to write in here, I don't care my hand writing is so sloppy only I can read it, who else would read it anyone? But as I was saying, I write, in those notebooks, filling them up with the pens and markers and colored pencils you bought me. You never knew that, did you? I love to write, I love to draw, and I think I'm pretty good. You do so too, you never say it, but I can see it as you look over my shoulder or let me prop myself up on your back as you read a book, or let me settle my head in your lap as I review something I've done. It hurts to write now too, using things like pens or pencils, not colored pencils, but regular pencils, but it's not as often. I keep my fingers loose by typing...on his laptop no less. He didn't even bat an eye when I asked if I might be able to use it occasionally. He handed it over, as well as a pile of disks, and told me, it's all yours.  
I think it was worth it to you, to see the looks on my and Relena's face. She almost died of laughter, I started laughing, and then you joined in, unable to keep it back. And you know what, damn-it; I think that psycho-bitch has somehow wormed her way into my mind, and perhaps even a small portion of my heart. After all, she's only really guilty of one thi...no, I have to admit it, she's guilty of two things. One, her biggest one, was falling hopelessly for MY Heero, but that's corrected now, and she has seen her mistake. The other one, which really isn't so teeny, tiny compared to the first since she was excused from it, is the girl, er-woman, is a complete and total TWIT!! I mean, come on, when I first met her I saved her life and then she stopped me from shooting the person trying to kill her (THANK GOD). I give her a gazillion of points for that little thing, and I'll also give her a couple for the insanity measure (she's gotta have a screw loose somewhere upstairs, ne?) and a couple more for the style. Not my thing, jumping in front of the God of Death to save someone...who was trying to kill you I might add...but hey, it was original.  
Duo Maxwell-Shinigami   
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"Duo, are you alright?" Relena asked softly, watching discreetly from the doorway as the once careless boy settled himself with the utmost care onto the bench's cushion he was angling for. Within minutes he had spread open a notebook, the kind without lines to Duo's delight. Hell, she'd even received a hug when Heero brought that home. Of course, Duo didn't hear her, he wasn't meant to. He was too busy watching as Heero pulled weeds from the garden, notebook forgotten, the only thing obstructing his view was the screen on the patio where he had settled. Duo looked so wistful now, like there were a million things he had wanted to do and none of them were in reach anymore...and sadly, it was quite true. She now knew this Duo Maxwell, and by god, if there was anything she could of done to keep this mystery alive, even if for only a day longer, then she would have done it. Already her stay had extended an extra day, and seemed to be moving to that extra one again. No one said anything, and she wasn't ready to leave. She might have been a good friend to Duo, if there hadn't been a demigod in the way. That wasn't there any longer, but the rift between them still existed. Duo leaned forward a bit to see what Heero was doing, Heero looked up, smiled tenderly, and Relena lifted the camera she had bought two days ago. Snapshots frozen in time, Heero would treasure them some day. She wanted to gather the other pilots, but Wufei was away on some remote colony some where making sure some terrorist was making good on claims to have enough arms to blow the entire universe apart. Doubtful, but one still had to check. He was on his way back, but he would be here in a week, Duo only had three days left. He knew it, she knew it, Quatre had told her that's what the doctor had predicted so he and Trowa knew it. Perhaps Wufei knew it. Heero didn't know it; at least she didn't think so.   
  
He didn't act like he did, but he could have, he was funny that way. Duo was funny that way as well, they deserved each other. Duo certainly knew it, he had to, it was his body that was dying, it was his body failing. Another thing that Relena noticed was the hair, the hair was getting thinner and thinner everyday. There were wisps of it here, wisps of it there, he didn't seem to notice.  
  
"Hey guys," Relena called, opening the glass sliding door. "I thought you might want something to drink...and a snack. I have fudge brownies." Relena scowled mentally at hearing herself say that, knowing the words would sound like some cheesy sitcom from way back when, before the colonies, but it was worth it.  
  
Duo immediately perked up, but looked to Heero for permission first. Heero looked cross, then sighed and came in, nodding his head at Duo as he passed to wash his hands in the kitchen sink. Coming back out he found Relena holding back the brownie until Duo took his pills, which presented a funny scene really. Duo relented, but only after Heero took his brownie and raised a suggestive eyebrow. Whatever the meaning Duo gave his full attention to Heero and popped back both pills with a swallow of chilled milk. Whatever he meant to say was cut off as Heero broke off a bit of the fudge brownie and fed it to Duo's mouth. Relena made a tactical retreat to the kitchen, and her camera.  
  
  
"Lena, what's this?" Heero asked, holding up the fully automatic camera that had been hastily placed in a kitchen drawer. Relena bit her lip and tried to remember if the film was new or if she still had one picture left to take. The film was new.   
  
"Camera, obviously, what's it look like. I though it might be nice to have around the place, you never know," Relena explained, political poker face intact.   
  
Heero studied it, turning it over, checking the view, the zoom, the lens, the picture size option, the lightless flash, and then he smiled. "I like this, where did you get it?"  
  
Relena sat a little easier in the chair, "If you really like it, you can have. I'll pick myself up another one; the film in it hasn't been used."  
  
Not even protesting, it was the Perfect Soldier style, Heero nodded and lifted the camera up to look through it. "Everything is so beautiful through the camera lens," he explained, snapping several pictures of things just in the kitchen, common ordinary things. "I've always been fascinated by cameras, that one instant in time that you catch someone's soul, catch something's beauty." Relena nodded silently and he passed thanks over his shoulder and left carrying the camera, mumbling something about Duo being asleep in the bathtub.  
  
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NOTES:: [tear stain] --this signifies a place on the paper where a tear has blurred either the writing or it has fallen onto the paper and dried there.   
Warnings-language, possibly, I haven't read through it in so long. Probably humor sprinkled here and there, sad, and it's mostly journals, as at this point Duo isn't up to much else. Sorry about the small cliff hanger, send in reviews to jumpstart my motivation.   
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The Most Bittersweet Gift part 9  
  
"I swear, Relena," Duo muttered from where he was laying down on the couch, head titled back slightly over the edge, giving everything a skewed view. "I swear, if I see that damn camera one more time I am going to break it over his thick head, which will hopefully break the camera."  
  
Relena sighed and patted Duo's knee reassuringly from where she sat next to him, silently studying the pictures Heero had had her drop off to be developed earlier. She had to admit the pictures were excellent, taken from the viewpoint of someone with a steady hand and a lot of patience. He must have waited at least a good half hour to get just the one she was looking out, having stood silent holding the camera long enough for Duo to get up and gather the strength to wag a finger at him, no doubt threatening to come over and do something very similar in nature to what he was threatening to do now. The picture was sweet and humorous, catching Duo off-guard and in the brief minute before he gave up and was trying hardest to bend Heero to his way.  
  
Duo was silent and Relena glanced over, seeing his controlled and even breathing, noticing the slight hitch to each breath. Heero had mentioned that Duo didn't look his best, and Relena silently agreed as she watched Duo struggle to right himself, then struggle to catch his breath, then struggle to stand, then struggle to stay standing. It was a cycle, but only if he's feeling especially tough would he consider upping the dosage of pain pills, and even then it's an inner battle to admit the weakness. "I'm...going to go...do something. I'll...be in the bedroom," Duo managed. Relena let him do it on his own. She would have preferred it that way for her; she knew he did for himself.  
  
  
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~Journal Entry 12~  
I barely have the strength to keep these up. Just barely. I look down and see my handwriting, always so neat and precise, although the letters were a bit looped here and there, and now...now I'm lucky I can get this many words out on the paper without giving up. But I persevere. I have come to a conclusion; there is one thing in my life I will ever truly regret, and that is never having tried to write something for someone else. There's a book in me somewhere, maybe a silly dithering thing, or perhaps a war story, not just A war story, but MY war story. If for no other reason than to be remembered. I suppose that's the greatest fear after dying, that there will be nothing to remember you by as the years pass and people eventually forget, until you're not even a distant memory, your grave overrun and trodden over, forgotten, never to feel the caress of another flower's petal against the earth at the bed or to have someone look at the name and say, yes, I knew this person, and I sure do miss them. With a book someone will remember, with a book there is record of your being a unique individual who made something of who you are and you alone. Sure, my name might be handed down as a gundam pilot, I might be remembered that way, but why should I? So much pain and suffering and I am remembered for helping that along. Perhaps this disease is my penance I pay. Oh, if that were true I would accept each ache and pain, each stuttering breath, each forced morning of willing myself out of bed, each second of every minute of every hour of every day that I live in discomfort with open arms. If I suffer like this, and my friends, those I love most, escape the pain and heartache and sheer terror that comes with the memory and our past...if only my death would make it right. I would gladly die a thousand million times over for just one of the pilots. For Quatre's shattered innocence and the faith he struggles to embrace now that he is freed, for Trowa's painful and silent past, for the boy who used to call himself Nanashi, no name, who took a name. I would gladly take this for Wufei, who I fear may be one of the last truly good and noble souls left on this planet. For Heero, who doesn't even realize the pain he has because there is no scale to judge it.  
How do you feel sorrow over a childhood when the word's only real meaning comes straight from a dictionary? I even had a childhood, not a great one, mind you, but it was a childhood. I can't answer that question, I'm not sure anyone can, I'm not even sure if I'm asking the right question anymore. I had hoped to at least get 20 Journal's, one to mark every year of my life I guess, but I don't have 20 days left. Since I have to take breaks or my hand gets cramped and the words start to whirl in front of my eyes, each time I begin again I will start a new journal. I suppose I'm cheating, but if I don't tell, you won't, right?  
Duo Maxwell  
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~Journal Entry 13~  
Dear Heero,  
Two days. Two days, 48 hours, 2880 minutes, 172800 seconds, approximately of course, it could be several hours earlier or later, but that is my countdown until I meet my maker. I don't know what will happen after that, sometimes I wonder if I truly care, but I do know if I have consciousness, I'll know I'll miss you. Not that comfortable to the newly bereaved, I bet, but it's what I have to offer. I don't know if I mentioned or not what my palm held somewhere else, but I think I should just mention it briefly in passing. Basically it was I would meet someone who had a large impact on my life, I would lose them in some way, but my presence would not be forgotten. No big deal, ya know, but just thought I should say that to open where I'm going next. I'm sure you remember when I read your palm, well, I never told you, but you have the most beautiful life. It's full of triumph and recovery and self-sacrifice and caring and loving. You shape your own destiny, you're palms make me want to cry, to see such a human being reflected like I have in you. It's there, and one day you'll find it. But beside the fact that you have beautiful palms, you have beautiful hands. The hands themselves are just beautiful. I want to hold them, to be held by them, to feel their gentle caress on my skin. They showed who you were, the deep woven lines, the knotted muscle, the roughened calluses that just never seem to go away. You have the hands of an artist; I bet you didn't know that. I've always had a hand fetish, which is why I always seemed to want your touch. I love hands, yours especially...  
Maxwell  
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~Journal Entry 14~  
Dear Heero,  
I'm only facing this because of you, you know. The only reason I'm fighting each day to live, fighting for that one extra second, the two extra seconds is for you. I'm not saying I would have killed myself, although I would be lying if I said it had never crossed my mind. What I'm saying is that if it weren't for the fact you were here and I could see you everyday and see your face light up with a smile one more time, or hear you murmur 'baka' in my ear [tear stain], then I would have given up my will and let Shinigami claim me as his own. Though...though I wish that there were some way to make what he have something more, something permanent. Perhaps if we were still together, if we hadn't drifted after the war, maybe then I would have that permanent brand on my heart that claimed me for yours. And...and a guy can dream, maybe a gold band on my finger, a promise ring. The best I can do now is know that the last few days were mine with you, and that your eyes lit up when you saw me, and that you can still hold me close as this sickness devours me from the inside out, and that you still can still run your fingers through my hair and love the feel despite the fact that most of it's falling out [tear stain]. And through you I found an unexpected, and I'll admit, at first completely unwanted, friendship. Get past the first few layers and I guess Relena's not that bad. I just...if I had one wish, one wish, it would be that you always find happiness in life. And if that meant me always in your arms, by your side, then so be it and I don't go before my time. But if it were something else, I would gladly pass up that one wish to give it to you."  
Maxwell  
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~Journal Entry 15~  
Dear Heero,  
I know you're going to be the one to find this, or perhaps Relena will, but I'm sure she'll give it to you, but I hope this is found before you decide to do something with all my things. I know I don't have much, but they are my things, and I want them taken care of for me, and of course, I want the right things to go to the right people. Just for you to know, there is a will in my duffel bag that I brought with me, you just have to lift up the platform on the bottom and it's there, also, Quatre has a copy in one of his many vaults in case something happens to this one, the original. But in there you'll see all my monetary assets will be directed either to charities or orphanages or programs designed to help people get back on their feet after the war. I know you guys don't need any more money, you probably went the same route I did, taking a little from Oz here and a little from Oz there. It's not like Quatre can use it, and Trowa is like part of Quatre's life, so he wouldn't need it. Wufei both has what was leeched from Oz, if anything, as well as the decent salary he is making in his job. So that clears that up. I don't have any property, I sold it all when I received the news, and there's really nothing else major left to part with besides what I carried with me and what I gathered during that time and while I was with you. So...  
In the closet with the stuff I've been doing lately, all those notebooks you've bought and stuff like that, I've taken the time to slowly create memory books for each one of you. Just little things in there really, my thoughts and feelings and pictures that I think the person would like and little mementos that might remind them of something or that might be funny or sweet. Each of them has the name to the person that it goes to on the cover, I would like for you to make sure that they get these. All the other things that I've been doing lately, the scribbles, the stories, the cartoons or drawings, any of that stuff, you decide what happens to it. You can do whatever you want with them, throw them out or keep them or give them to the others to see if they want any or try and publish something (yeah right, like that would ever happen). This journal...either keep it, or burn it, no one else needs to see any of this stuff. Don't be too hasty to do something with my few books I have in that bag, I have things stuck between pages, so go through them before you decide. Beyond that, everything else that I have as a person, it's your choice. All right, I think that's everything.   
D.M.  
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~J. Entry...16~  
Heero, have I said I love you, yet? Because if I haven't, I want you to know. I can feel death breathing down my neck, and the smell is acrid, biting, and I think death can smell my fear because the more fear I feel, the more it hurts, the closer death looms. Just for the record, babe, I don't recommend dying a slow, painful death. Ha ha...still joking, but no, I mean it. If I had known it would feel this way I would have ended all my misery and pain long ago. I hope you're glad I didn't. But I do love you, I'll always love you, I think I was meant to love you like this. There's never been anyone else. Not in all the time since you disappeared was there someone else. I dated, don't get me wrong, and I made out with a couple people (all guys). But there was always something there between us that I didn't understand. No matter how they wanted me, at a certain point they would break off and look at me...and that was it. It's almost as if they could feel you're claim on me, even though you didn't want me anymore. It's almost as if they knew...just knew that I belonged to someone else. That really messed up my life, or at least that time in my life. Maybe it's my fault somehow...maybe I messed up somewhere along the way to make them recoil...to force them to draw back and decide, you know, I don't think I want this anymore. For the longest time I wondered if maybe they could see what I was beneath everything else, or maybe...maybe when I touched them they could feel the blood on my hands even if it wasn't there in reality. Is that why you can touch me? Is it because you're hands are as bloody as mine?   
Do you want to know what I'm afraid of? It's not the dying, although most people are afraid of that, are afraid of the pain of dying. No, I have two fears that haunt me right now. One of them is where am I going to go. I'm no angel, that's for sure, so if there really is a heaven and hell, I don't think I'm good enough for heaven. But what if I'm not bad enough for hell? What if neither wants me, where will I be? The other fear is where will you be, you and all the other guys? Their faith is different; I don't know how this is going to work out, not really. Maybe I won't see any of you ever again.  
And if I do go to hell...what will greet me once I'm there. My nightmares have changed, I'm afraid to close my eyes unless it's a drugged sleep. I see thousands and thousands of people who I've killed greeting me when I do, and they kill me every night for all of eternity. Is there pain once you're dead? I hope not. I'll tell you one thing though...I have a feeling I will see you again some day. Maybe there is such a thing as reincarnation; maybe we'll be together in another life. Maybe...oh, I have to go get something for this pain, I can't breathe and I'm beginni...  
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Duo stood up slowly and pushed away from the bed, moving towards the kitchen. Halfway down the hall a wave of dizziness washed over him and he braced himself for support against the wall. Taking a deep breath a pain shot through his side and up, catching him off guard and with a whimper his knees buckled under him. Lifting his head slowly he tried to stand and saw the faint image of Relena as he was washed in darkness.  
  
Relena put a hand over her mouth and let out a shout for Heero, who dropped the dishes he was putting away and located the source of the disturbance. The tightening hold of fear gripped his stomach as he directed Relena to call for help and he dropped to his knees, pulling Duo up and into his lap, checking for a pulse and to make sure he was breathing. Just a fainting spell, he reassured himself, rocking the body subconsciously, just a fainting spell.  



	8. The Most Bittersweet Gift 10/11

Warnings:: At this point this seems slightly redundant, but ahead I will move with what must be done. This is the last part, so it being a deathfic you might want a box of tissues, it's yaoi, 1x2, and anything else that has cropped up in an earlier part could apply here, but it probably won't. As always, FEEDBACK. It's such a wonderful thing to see reviews that push me toward writing more, and I currently have several things going that might be posted if I ever get around to finishing what's started, so try and keep me moving if you want more. That's all... ^_^  
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The Most Bittersweet Gift part 10  
  
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. The faint beeping of the machine to Heero's left reassured him that Duo still lived and would be fine, but still, it was hard to see the slender frame wrapped up tight in a hospital bed, lines going this way and that, the IV coming from his hand. Lifting the hand he petted the smooth, cold skin gently, brought it up to his face and held it there. Relena would be back soon; he could hear the click, click of her heels as she came back from the lobby where she had put a call in to the others. She passed the hall and Heero recognized her nervous pacing. From the bed came a soft groan and the long, dark lashes fluttered open, revealing cloudy, confused amethyst eyes.  
  
"Duo?" Heero whispered.  
  
"Yeah, babe," Duo answered back weakly.  
  
"You...you passed out in the hall," Heero explained, leaning in to the cool hand that stroked his cheek. "Dr. Wright should be here in a couple minutes. How are you feeling?"  
  
"Pretty rough to tell you the truth. I don't need Dr. Wright here to tell me I'm dying, we knew that. I.... I lied; I had less time than what I told you. I'm sorry."  
  
Heero shook his head, coming to sit at the edge of the hospital bed, "It's alright, I can forgive you this. I'm just glad you came to see me. I had missed you and I hadn't even realized it until the space was filled, and now you're leaving me again."  
  
"I'm sorry, Heero. That's why I didn't want to come back, that's why I didn't want to see you again. Oi, help me sit up." Heero slid an arm around Duo and helped him rise up a little with the hospital bed, kept his arm there even after Duo got comfortable.  
  
The door opened slowly and Relena stepped in. "Wufei is still out in space and he won't be back until tonight. Quatre said him and Trowa could be on the next flight and they would be here in three hours."  
  
"Oh, you called the guys," Duo groaned, knowing he wouldn't be able to see Quatre in tears or Wufei drawn. He only hoped this death would bring the other's closer together, hoped it would tie the knot that would make them inseparable. Rolling his eyes he settled into the curve of Heero's shoulder and closed his eyes. "Can't turn back time now," he muttered. Heero shook his head and rested his cheek against the chestnut hair. No one knew what to say and the room remained silent for some time, then Heero heard the soft snore coming from beside him and knew Duo had drifted to sleep.  
  
  
"Would you stop prancing around like you have ants in your pants and come move your checker," Duo grumbled, watching Heero move back over to the window, check his watch, glance over at the bed. Moving over he placed himself on the edge of the bed and surveyed the checkerboard, eyeing the little black and red pieces; he was red. Moving his piece he watched as Duo studied the board, then his hand came out, a bruise the size of Heero's hand gracing the wrist where Heero had lifted Duo's body earlier, the checker moved, jumping across the board and then settling against the last row. "That's better. Did Trowa take Quatre out for a cup of coffee or is he flitting around the hall making sure every nurse is alert?" This agitation came mostly from the fact Duo had managed to talk Dr. Wright into removing all the ridiculous monitoring machines, pointing out that it hardly mattered in the circumstance. Needless to say, they had been removed, everything last one of the.  
  
"Probably a little of both," Heero admitted, watching as the thin hand came up to tuck a strand of hair behind Duo's ears. Most of the hair was there, but even now little wisps would occasionally snake out if fingers moved through unwary. "Wufei called and said he would be here in 20 minutes."  
  
Duo nodded. "Alright, I win again, so what gives? This is the fifth one in a row, and Heero Yuy is the master of strategy. Well, no, that's Quatre, but you're close. You must be preoccupied." Duo set aside the checkerboard that Relena had brought in from the gift shop and studied the Japanese man's face. He looked tired, with dark circles under his eyes, and tightness to his mouth that hadn't been there before. Briefly in the back of his mind a voice whispered to Duo that this was because of him, he was the cause of this newfound worry.  
  
"It's not the end of the world, you know, people die everyday," Duo murmured, holding his arms out to Heero. Heero moved in to pull the American against him and held him tight, but not too tightly. "Pretty soon you'll get over it, you'll put this aside in your memory, and you will move on with your life. Do you understand me? I do not want you to kill yourself after this, or let yourself go. You have to watch out for the other's, and you have to live."  
  
Heero nodded and pressed his cheek against the back of Duo's shoulder, feeling an unfamiliar warmth and tightness in his chest, different from the others, a burning, prickling sensation in his eyes. Duo turned and stroked the soft hair that still insisted on moving out in every direction, lifted the face up to see the hot tears he had just felt against his shoulder. Leaning in he kissed them away, shaking his head. "Don't make me come back and haunt you," Duo warned, running his thumb over the smooth, wet cheek.   
  
"I won't," Heero whispered. Duo smiled tenderly and ran a hand lightly down Heero's shoulder. "Promise me, Heero. I know you won't break a promise, so promise me."  
  
"I promise."  
  
Duo nodded and placed a sweet kiss against Heero's lips, felt Heero respond under the kiss, wrapping his arms around the other. Duo pulled back slowly and reached around behind him, unclasped the chain of the cross, then brought it around to secure it around Heero's neck. "No, Duo, I don't...this is yours," Heero protested, touching the gold with trembling fingers.  
  
"And it's yours now," Duo told him. "I want it to be worn, I want someone to keep wearing it. What good will it do me?"  
  
Heero ran his fingers over the smooth metal, his fingers wet with his tears. He touched Duo's face softly and then leaned in to place a light kiss against the lips. The mouth returned for a second kiss, more demanding and then Duo pushed him back, face flushed. "Gomen Heero, I'm just so tired," he whispered, forcing a smile he didn't feel inside. He moved against the others body, cuddling closer, the blanket wrapped tight around him. "You're so warm," Duo murmured, brushing wayward strands of hair from Heero's face.   
  
But I feel so cold inside.  
  
Duo lifted his head to look at Heero's face, now dried of its tears, smiled sincerely at the worried expression. "Give me another kiss," Duo whispered. Heero dropped the inch or so to brush his lips over Duo's, which somehow still managed to taste sweet, a taste he had found similar only to chocolate, and one he realized he would never get enough of. Another soft, undemanding kiss and Duo's fingers crawled slowly up Heero's arms, then down, stroking the flesh. "I'm so tired, Heero," Duo whispered, tilting his head back into the chest which supported him. "So tired."  
  
The room's door opened silently and Wufei stepped in, clothes wrinkled from the flight, still dressed in his Preventer uniform, looking despite the circumstance tall and commanding. Duo's eyes traveled up the rumpled sight, remembering his friend from the last time they had spoken, until he hit Wufei's face, then he shot Wufei a lopsided grin. "Hey, Wu-man, delightful to see you."  
  
"Maxwell, likewise," Wufei greeted. His onyx eyes bore into Heero. "Have you been watching out for him?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Good." Duo sat up a bit straighter and raised an eyebrow, "What, Wu-man, no hug? It's been forever since I've seen you, the least you could do is give me a hug, ya know."  
  
Wufei's lips twitched in a smile, and then he gave a sharp nod, but it was softened by the expression. "Of course, Maxwell," he said, coming around the side of the bed to let the other envelop him in a caring hug before returning it lightly, then stepped back once again.  
  
"How did your thing go?" Duo asked curiously.  
  
"The rumor was false, but there was a faction trying to gather that sort of material for just that. They will be taken in soon enough. Routine, boring, we didn't blow anything up or anything. How are you feeling?"  
  
"Like death warmed over."  
  
Heero raised an eyebrow and Wufei gave another nod, perhaps one of the only pilots who could truly appreciate the American's sense of humor, however dry and tasteless it proved to be on occasion. The second one who had some luck and some defense against the razor sharp wit, of course, would be Heero. "That bad, huh? Well, I've seen you, and it was a pleasure, really it was. I'll see you again?"  
  
"Definitely," Duo answered. Wufei turned to leave and Duo called out to him, "Hey, Wufei...tell the others how much they've meant to me, alright?"  
  
"Of course, Maxwell." Wufei paused, head cocked to one side, then a brief but real smile flickered across his face. "You know, I've always held the greatest respect for you Duo." With that Wufei slid out the door and Duo looked up at Heero, eyes wide. "I think that's by far the nicest thing he's ever said to me."  
  
Heero smiled and laid a kiss against Duo's nose, having retreated back against Heero's chest the minute he hadn't had to sit up anymore. Duo closed his weary eyes and let out a sigh, feeling the energy drain from him, and oddly enough feeling the relief as the pain began to numb. Heero placed a kiss against Duo's forehead, leaned down and kissed him again on the mouth, then pulled back with an accepting smile. "Duo," Heero whispered softly.  
  
"Hmmm..."  
  
"I love you Duo."  
  
Duo smiled as he drifted off to sleep and Heero savored the feel of the American in his arms. He felt each breath as it entered the resting body and left, and noticed immediately when the breathing seemed to slow down, then it stilled altogether. Heero continued to hold the American even after he began to feel the first hints of the warmth leaving the once living flesh and he felt tears stinging his eyes again, his chest tightening.  
  
The thoughts came unbidden to Heero's mind, ripping nearly silent sobs from his throat as he rocked back and forth on the bed.   
  
I will never hold this amazing person in my arms again. I will never hear him whisper my name in the middle of the night. I will never feel his arms wrapping around me to give comfort. I will never taste his sweet, loving kisses again. I will never hear him laugh; I will never see him smile. I will never look at this face and know that he has eyes only for me, and that he loves me, and that he will do anything he can to make me happy, because he's not here anymore...  
  
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The Most Bittersweet Gift part 11  
  
Heero sat back on his haunches and pondered the last few memories that had resurfaced as he had read through Duo's journal. He had found it the next day in a fit of despair when he had thrown the computer and all it's components, desk included, in a rage. Somewhere, either in something or hidden beneath, or maybe just in plain sight Duo thinking he would come back in and hide it later, that little journal had sat, waiting, lonely. It had taken a week for Heero to gather the courage to open it, and then he had to force himself to look through it later that night, which is where Heero found himself, sitting on the bed, reading through his angel's last thoughts and emotions and wishes and dreams.   
  
The others were still there, minus Relena, who had to rush back to her kingdom for some important business. Quatre and Trowa had themselves booked for two weeks in a hotel not even twenty minutes from here, and Wufei had accepted the guest bedroom. Duo had been buried three days ago, a simple yet charming production that Heero had not been able to attend. It was for memory alone, Duo had requested to be cremated, and his ashes spread into the sea on a night with sprinkling rain beneath the moon, the three things that Duo had loved about earth. Heero watched the news every day to see when the best time would be.  
  
Stroking the beaten pages of the journal Heero thought back to all the memories that had flooded his mind as he had read through each entry, of what had happened before and after to create each entry and shape his actions once it was written. His memories of the events had been so clear he had thought for a moment he had been reliving the moments, that they were happening as they did right then, right there, and for one second he had Duo back. But he was wrong.  
  
Going through the blank pages slowly Heero saw small doodles here and there in the upper corners, as if Duo had been stuck for something to say, or hesitant to write, and had simply sketched the indecision away. Looking over the few things he had from the boy who had brazenly called himself Shinigami he wiped absently across his eyes with the back of his hand, ignoring the now familiar wetness there, and picked up the long braid he had saved that day, running the strands through his fingers. He knew what he would do with this, but not yet, soon. It would be donated to the cause of making wigs for those who are losing their hair to a disease. It was what Duo would have wanted; it's what Heero wanted. He had found the will without the help of the journal, and he had known what to do with the small notebooks with the others names on them, but he had not been sure of what to do with the other things, until now.  
  
He would keep them; maybe try to see if any of the writing or cartoons could be published, he always knew how badly Duo wanted to be recognized for something good, not tainted, as he was as the ex-gundam pilot.  
  
Closing the journal slowly Heero touched the battered cover, smiling wistfully. He knew someone else would be regretting every harsh word, every rough touch, every icy glance that they had bestowed onto the recently departed, but not Heero. Heero sometimes wished he might have been kinder, might have showed how much he cared, but he never regretted. Each event led to the next, and if one of them had changed, then the future might have changed, the purpose of the events might have changed, and Heero wasn't about to question the reasons. He had made a decision and it felt right, he would live up to it as best as he could.  
  
Picking up the journal he placed it next to the bedside stand, where it had sat every since it's discovery, and drew his laptop onto his lap, powered it up, then while he waited reviewed his actions before he made the commitment. They were right. He opened a program and began to type.  
  
To: Whom It May Concern,  
I have recently heard of your program for placing children with incurable diseases in homes so they do not have to live in orphanages, away from the attention and affection that they so desperately need. I would like to volunteer as such a foster home, and perhaps you will not find my situation to be in area you are looking for, I find that I ask you to at least consider my offer with an open mind and an open heart. One thing I do understand, perhaps more than anyone else, is the value of a life. I am an ex-gundam pilot, Heero Yuy, and I am looking for a way to make a difference in a life so that the child understands the value that they hold. I do not have any others living in my household, but I do have four wonderful friends who would support everything I do and always be willing to help out. Money is no problem, their life would be contented, but not overly lavish, and they would never want for anything, be it material needs or medical expenses, all of which I am willing to pay from my own pocket. Currently I am in transition, moving from the house I own now to another, of which you will be informed of the address as soon as I establish one. I have recently lost someone to a disease, one that was completely unknown to the doctors, someone who I hold very close to my heart. It is his death that moves me to offer this support which he did not have until the last days, and it is his death which gave me the most bittersweet gift I have ever received, the gift of my forgotten humanity. If you find it in your heart to let me help a needing child I will forever be grateful, please let me know. And please, forgive the man the sins of the unwitting child he once had been.  
Sincerely,  
Heero Yuy.  
  
  
  
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EPILOGUE (one year later)  
Heero Yuy scanned the lightly rippling ocean, milky black this night, the only light reflecting that of the small boat and the full moon high above. He ignored the light drizzle that had quickly pressed his black jeans and white shirt flush against his skin, and instead he lifted his head upward a moment to enjoy the cool breeze that pushed the water to the left as it fell. Looking back out over the water he began to whisper to the night, in his hands holding a metal object protectively against him, eyes open just enough he could follow the motion of the lapping water.  
  
"It's a gorgeous night out here, not too cool, not hot either. Well, it took me five months to find the right night that would be good enough for you, but here it is, and it must be an omen. Are you watching out for me? I think you are. Tomorrow morning I go meet the child who may be my foster daughter, if she wants me, everything else is taken care of. I'm a photographer now, one of the best. Last week one of my shots went on an auction and brought in several thousand dollars, maybe more, but it all went to the Maxwell Charity for underprivileged children. Yeah, you heard me, I...the guys and me started a charity organization. Wufei thought it would be fitting to call it the Maxwell Charity; it seemed like something you would approve of.  
  
"I moved away from that house. Not because I couldn't take the memories of you, but because once you left me, it was no longer my home, it was just a house, walls, carpet, rooms, but no life, no love. I have a nice place now, though, a very nice place." Heero drew silent, leaning against the rail of the boat. After another moment he decided it was time and opened the urn, let the ashes float to the sea, carried by the wind and rain. "Well, it's only fitting. It's such a beautiful night."  
  
With that he turned and moved back towards the shore, feeling the wind tickle his skin, placing feather light kisses everywhere it touched.  
  
  
"Mr. Yuy, I must confess we had our doubts about you from you're letter, but we did some checks, we talked to people, and you seem to have a wonderful support system, even if it's only you. I suppose I should explain the situation before you meet her, simply because she's so excited. She's very insecure, afraid that you won't want her after you see her. Her case is a bit different, besides the fact she has cancer, although you'd never realize it. Where some of these kids have always been orphans living in places like these, moving from homes, and some only came during the war, or just after, she has no memory of a life before coming here about a year ago, and we suspect she was living on the streets from a very young age."  
  
Heero nodded, following the white haired woman through the halls, seeing in different rooms children of various ages doing various things. A group of four, probably in the ages between 9-11 moved past the two, mumbling apologies as they barreled after the person they were   
trying to tag. A smile quirked Heero's lips.  
  
"Where did you say she was found?" Heero asked, looking back at the woman.  
  
"I didn't." She looked away down the hall, and then glanced back, "Please understand she may be a bit rowdy, and that her manners are in need of serious work, but do not let her colony put you against her before you've even seen her."  
  
"Colony?"  
  
"Yes, she somehow got onto a flight and they found her in the cargo hold, brought her to us. She's eight."  
  
"Where is she from?"  
  
The woman continued on, and then gave a nod. "She's from L2."  
Heero stopped short, reminding himself to breathe. The woman stopped as well, gaze becoming stern. "Give her a chance at least, she may surprise you. I know the reputation that colony has, has always had, but I think that she will prove that common theme wrong."  
  
Heero held up a hand to stop her, "Continue on, there's nothing wrong with where she comes from. If anything...if anything I think it makes it more appealing that I meet her."  
  
After an uncertain pause she gave a nod and moved through, then came to a door, opened it slowly. There were several children in the room, all nearly about 8 or 9, and they were all gathered around a table where an older kid was reading something to them.  
  
"Angela, could you come here a moment," the director called out.  
  
A young girl with a mass of black hair stood slowly and shuffled over, head down, then stopped in front of them, wringing her small hands. "Angela, I want you to meet Heero Yuy, the one I told you about. He wants to give you a home, take care of you, if you want to go."  
  
Angela glanced up, and then down, nodding slightly, then dug the toe of her ratty tennis shoe into the carpet of the room, her lips forming a frown. "Hi Mister."  
  
Heero dropped on one knee, tilting his head down to see her face, "Hello Angela, can I have a look at you?"  
  
She lifted her head and Heero met a shining pair of violet eyes. He pressed a hand to his mouth, and then gave a nod. She gave a lopsided grin and Heero held out his arms, to which she hesitantly accepted the hug.   
  
THE END...  
  
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I hope it wasn't too bad, I promise I won't write another deathfic for a bit, give you more rousing things to read, if you want more... 


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